utilitarianism................ now i understand the term.
i comitted the biggest faux pas i tried googling myself in the belief that there wont be enough entries to cover my greatness. i unfortnately failed to realize i am a mere statistic in the world.
the links attached to my name were my board roll numbers and scores, my entrance exam rankings. the places where i had applied and gotten in.
ive been reduced to 6 digit number assigned to me years ago. awesome!
i am a mere hand in this utilitarian world. i finally understand dickens hard times.
hands....................... humph!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
a road trip
so i went for a field trip with the family + 2.
it was interesting. we went to mewat to a village called Adbar Gaon.
dusty yet while there being mobbed by the children due to V's accent and J's obvious difference it wasnt that noticeable. today i suffer from the aftermath.
alot of things happened met the children the old ladies, saman around 16 and sajjad around 10 were our guides.
sajjad was one of the smartest 10yr old i have met. he explained to me the cropping system- winter=mustard, summer=jowar. they use the thrashed jowar hay as buffalo feed.
in his innocent worldliness he told me when new people come they become star attractions for the children of the village.- "bacchoan ki to rel lag jati hai"
saman was an enterprising budding teacher who taught urdu and even made one of her star pupils recite a poem to us.
we became more than just star attractions with 40 kids surrounding us, trying out a comparitive study between my black hair and J's golden brown hair. she joked it off by calling them 'budding scientists'.i frankly was overwhelmed by the whole attention. i think i started of quite okay but towards the end i dont who was more shy the people i met or me. i guess fame makes me bashful. lol!!!
we were treated to a feast of bajre ka roti and a dish made out of roti, jaggery and ghee. i loved it. J finally got some chicken and fish and you could see the happiness.it was funny, there were 6 vegetarians and 2 non-veggies and there were more dishes for the non-veggies than the veggies and yet we all left stuffed. so u can guess the lavish spread.
enroute to mewat we stopped at bhondsi to visit the temple there. the peacocks, the beauty its extravagant. the priest there gave me a mustard oil based nose drops with peppermint, aloe vera, eucalyptus extracts all from the trees growing in bhondsi. it smelled alot like vicks and was the only reason i didnt go crazy with the pain in dusty mewat. it kept my headache under check and immediately opened my nose. ma joked that i smiled for the first time after getting some of that elixir in my nose.
a very interesting day all in all.
it was interesting. we went to mewat to a village called Adbar Gaon.
dusty yet while there being mobbed by the children due to V's accent and J's obvious difference it wasnt that noticeable. today i suffer from the aftermath.
alot of things happened met the children the old ladies, saman around 16 and sajjad around 10 were our guides.
sajjad was one of the smartest 10yr old i have met. he explained to me the cropping system- winter=mustard, summer=jowar. they use the thrashed jowar hay as buffalo feed.
in his innocent worldliness he told me when new people come they become star attractions for the children of the village.- "bacchoan ki to rel lag jati hai"
saman was an enterprising budding teacher who taught urdu and even made one of her star pupils recite a poem to us.
we became more than just star attractions with 40 kids surrounding us, trying out a comparitive study between my black hair and J's golden brown hair. she joked it off by calling them 'budding scientists'.i frankly was overwhelmed by the whole attention. i think i started of quite okay but towards the end i dont who was more shy the people i met or me. i guess fame makes me bashful. lol!!!
we were treated to a feast of bajre ka roti and a dish made out of roti, jaggery and ghee. i loved it. J finally got some chicken and fish and you could see the happiness.it was funny, there were 6 vegetarians and 2 non-veggies and there were more dishes for the non-veggies than the veggies and yet we all left stuffed. so u can guess the lavish spread.
enroute to mewat we stopped at bhondsi to visit the temple there. the peacocks, the beauty its extravagant. the priest there gave me a mustard oil based nose drops with peppermint, aloe vera, eucalyptus extracts all from the trees growing in bhondsi. it smelled alot like vicks and was the only reason i didnt go crazy with the pain in dusty mewat. it kept my headache under check and immediately opened my nose. ma joked that i smiled for the first time after getting some of that elixir in my nose.
a very interesting day all in all.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
a head full of snot and a terrible ache
thats how i feel today.
after a week and half of return i thought u know what enough of sorry-ness lets go out.
so i tag along on running of errands as usual with no set agenda of my own just to try and buy a book that i want to study. as usual that doesnt get done but i spend the whole day outside doing a host of zillion other things.
through out the day the pain kept shifting from the temples to the cheeks to behind the ears to the head. oh its awful. i HATE it. enough to try writing it off. breathing is a bother. cant i be like fish and have gills, why do I HAVE to HAVE such a complex respiratory system which is prone to respiratory ailments.
i vehemently refuse to take antibiotics and drug myself. i tried it last time and well lo behold a week later here i am okay its much milder than last time but its dragged on twice as long. i tested and meds failed miserably once again. i'll prolly take some alternative medicine.
but thats besides the point..... the point is why do us city dwellers have to face such unneccessary complications in trying to live their life -as if chasing their own tails in the rat race wasnt enough u have to make it tough for them to even breathe, get proper drinking water and unadulterated food to eat. ditch the rest why god why should u create so much misery for this poor student soul??
i neither evade taxes nor do i drive a polluting car nor am i cheating a good farmer out of his hyard earned income. i m poor li'll student who is trying to study and make something out of myself and so much pain is just too much to handle.
i have half a mind of running and banging my head on the wall in the hope that literally splitting my head might make the splitting headache go.
GO SCRAM bother someone who would finance the pharma companies to make pain killers and anti-biotics. why bother someone who wont take something stronger than a crocin and for whom tulsi is the panacea for all ills.
mumble grumble life's unfair very majorly unfair. everyone is enjoying their holidays and u my dear enemy are playing spoilsport with mine.
i refuse to cow down and submit to ure threats....... i shall overcome..... damn u!!!
please go please go please go!!!!!
disappointed and miserably ure's
after a week and half of return i thought u know what enough of sorry-ness lets go out.
so i tag along on running of errands as usual with no set agenda of my own just to try and buy a book that i want to study. as usual that doesnt get done but i spend the whole day outside doing a host of zillion other things.
through out the day the pain kept shifting from the temples to the cheeks to behind the ears to the head. oh its awful. i HATE it. enough to try writing it off. breathing is a bother. cant i be like fish and have gills, why do I HAVE to HAVE such a complex respiratory system which is prone to respiratory ailments.
i vehemently refuse to take antibiotics and drug myself. i tried it last time and well lo behold a week later here i am okay its much milder than last time but its dragged on twice as long. i tested and meds failed miserably once again. i'll prolly take some alternative medicine.
but thats besides the point..... the point is why do us city dwellers have to face such unneccessary complications in trying to live their life -as if chasing their own tails in the rat race wasnt enough u have to make it tough for them to even breathe, get proper drinking water and unadulterated food to eat. ditch the rest why god why should u create so much misery for this poor student soul??
i neither evade taxes nor do i drive a polluting car nor am i cheating a good farmer out of his hyard earned income. i m poor li'll student who is trying to study and make something out of myself and so much pain is just too much to handle.
i have half a mind of running and banging my head on the wall in the hope that literally splitting my head might make the splitting headache go.
GO SCRAM bother someone who would finance the pharma companies to make pain killers and anti-biotics. why bother someone who wont take something stronger than a crocin and for whom tulsi is the panacea for all ills.
mumble grumble life's unfair very majorly unfair. everyone is enjoying their holidays and u my dear enemy are playing spoilsport with mine.
i refuse to cow down and submit to ure threats....... i shall overcome..... damn u!!!
please go please go please go!!!!!
disappointed and miserably ure's
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Introspection III
woah that was the biggest post by me............. i m proud.
so lets put a conclusion to this tale-telling.
i have to note that the last post ended just at the right time like in a movie the intermission comes only when the story takes a turn. hmm.......... enough gloating lets get back to business.
so i return everyones done a bit of growing up. the trip back home has made everyone realise that things dont remain the same its a sad realisation and the sudden desperate need to grab on to everything old removes the familiar camaderie of the classroom as everyone is plunged in a collective gloom for the ones that went its that things have changed they have changed and for the ones that didnt go the home sickness kicked in.
then we were all rudely awaked from our reveries by the approaching deadlines of the project. the article was condemned just near completion to go for the marathon project writing spree. from being one of the first to submit a project to being the last person in the line on the last day at 5:59 pm hurrying to submit. i had planned in such a way that the whole process was spread out.
not a very smart strategy coz the stress and frustration just doubles. then the viva's the building of the STUDY GROUP. the coming to collg everyday parking ourselves under the tree and studying gurukul style. i lost my voice but i loved it. we each kept the pressure on each other. stayed up till late at night finished our portions. it was the end sem very hectic very tiring broke our backs on those chairs 16 hours a day. but the scooty breaks. discovering quaint roads. chocolate breaks for energy. the discipline of promising to reach by the first bus, knowing exactly when and how each admin employee came to college.
finally the exams were over.................. birthday time. the best part. the three of us were gracious hosts. the boring turning interesting train trip home. the hugs and happy diwali at the station and finally the lazing around at home eating no more barbatti and dal. woohoo!
a very interesting, a very enriching journey. it was a strenous, tiring no exhausting ride but worth every drop of blood and sweat.
here's to 9 more of them.
cheers!
over and out!
so lets put a conclusion to this tale-telling.
i have to note that the last post ended just at the right time like in a movie the intermission comes only when the story takes a turn. hmm.......... enough gloating lets get back to business.
so i return everyones done a bit of growing up. the trip back home has made everyone realise that things dont remain the same its a sad realisation and the sudden desperate need to grab on to everything old removes the familiar camaderie of the classroom as everyone is plunged in a collective gloom for the ones that went its that things have changed they have changed and for the ones that didnt go the home sickness kicked in.
then we were all rudely awaked from our reveries by the approaching deadlines of the project. the article was condemned just near completion to go for the marathon project writing spree. from being one of the first to submit a project to being the last person in the line on the last day at 5:59 pm hurrying to submit. i had planned in such a way that the whole process was spread out.
not a very smart strategy coz the stress and frustration just doubles. then the viva's the building of the STUDY GROUP. the coming to collg everyday parking ourselves under the tree and studying gurukul style. i lost my voice but i loved it. we each kept the pressure on each other. stayed up till late at night finished our portions. it was the end sem very hectic very tiring broke our backs on those chairs 16 hours a day. but the scooty breaks. discovering quaint roads. chocolate breaks for energy. the discipline of promising to reach by the first bus, knowing exactly when and how each admin employee came to college.
finally the exams were over.................. birthday time. the best part. the three of us were gracious hosts. the boring turning interesting train trip home. the hugs and happy diwali at the station and finally the lazing around at home eating no more barbatti and dal. woohoo!
a very interesting, a very enriching journey. it was a strenous, tiring no exhausting ride but worth every drop of blood and sweat.
here's to 9 more of them.
cheers!
over and out!
Introspection-II
i just realised i finished a whole semester that should account for celebrations right?
and some nostalgia........ why so soon u may ask well only because next month this time new things will pre-occupy me and then all these images in my head wil turn sepia to blurry to simply non-existence and besides pictures i want to record some written ode's for posteirity.
lets start at the beginning.............. i have a lot of free time and un interuppted access to the desktop tday woohoo!!!
so 50 years record rainfall and i thought all that water in the fields was for growing paddy. ;-)
through the train i saw people catch zillions of tiny fishes in the water logged near the train tracks it made for good amusement for me and alot of worry for my dad. poor thing he was the only one who understood the gravity of the situation me and ma were more into soaking the atmosphere with ma reminiscicing about her project in the state.
so we reach i expect a city or a quaint place like u see in uttarakhand okay so that about the extent of my travel in north india not saying i have travelled extensively in south india.
we reach a place where every second shop looks like a hardware shop with tyres hanging. those few hours i was freaking out........... majorly freaking out. i had heard it was trade city but that day seriously all i saw were black grubby tyres everywhere. i ve returned since to those roads but never have they felt as dismal as they felt that day.
then proceeded the magnanimous effort of finding a place to park the luggage change and call as a temporary home till i am safely 'put' in the hostel. if i get into those details i will spend and entirety of a lifetime describing the comedy of errors so lets just skim the details roughly after alot of over hauling going up coming down lugging the suitcase here lugging it there spotting a few seniors having some ice- cream (they were in formals and even then i had guessed it wasnt the sort of place where the youth would randomly all congregate in black pants and coat in tow)
we found a place that seemed pretty central why there was a huge market bang in front so reaching the uni shouldnt be a daunting task.
then we all bathed and simply flopped and slept. actually my parents slept while i secretly went nuts!!
then a visit to the ATM to teach me the operations a rough rekky of the place and we were off to see the campus and get me registered. after being very thoroughly over charged we reached the place. my heart still pounding a thousand beats a minute. i finally breathed a sigh of relief when i entered the place and saw all the seniors coming in with their suitcases hugging their classmates and being generally very happy to be back. so i surmised such mass happiness cannot be a chimera. people exist here. normal looking students. no sight of a cycle tyre in sight. they all seem to be happy. everyone is independant no one has their parent lugging their luggage for them so face the facts ure in a university university. not a dress parade finally! i breathed a big sigh of relief and never felt that anxiety ever again.
so that done the whole confusion of the admission done.
from being amongst the first to join the hostel, to that eventful first night of talking non-stop for hours i -oh man- was like a drunk person baring their soul. poor S oh and S lol!! dont want to be reminded of that stupidity. but we made very ambitious goals that night. its to be seen if we lived up to them or not.
okay so i have got admitted in the uni and in the hostel. then is learning experience of getting ready in 20 min in a broken bathroom in formals and looking a dapper for the first day. i believe we did with a flourish and style that has yet to be matched. lol!
so the first day introductions- ORIENTATION- the mess lines me blabbering on incessantly. i realized then that everywhere besides the stage if i get nervous i talk and talk and talk and mostly giberrish of the top of my head and very very fast.
oh lets skip all that already my memory is a bit scanty that night the dinner me mistaking one of my favourite profs now for the outlook express editor. the apples falling speach. the awesome dinner. the only time when rain poured when i was happy so i could look up and say very caustically "pathetic fallacy again" humph!
the making of new friends, the last night with my parents maybe i am confusing the order a bit. all i remember is when i was all happy and excited about law school i completely forgot about my parents and left them with a quick and cursory hug and a get out already!! my life's begin ive spent a long enough time with u guys ;-)
ADHD- naaaah! just excitement.
okay so for the first month me and S would sit at our bench 3rd from the front in the 2 row from the right and would literally race to save it for ourselves. i dont remember clearly who picked it out me or her. well even fought some localites once for coming before the bus arrived and "stealing" our seats. with no words though we simply hifted them and pretended to be innocent of all foul play.;-)
the first month was interesting, with visits to the library walking on foot to every place in raipur to know the city. and we did know the whole city like the back of our hands by the end of that month. we had eaten as a group in almost every place. the rikshaw accident- oh lord!!!!
the guys knew all their watering holes and paan walas. the classes were amazing, interactive and fun. we even listened with rapt attention to "in the ancient" but somewhere in "mediwall" the momentum was lost and by the "Arungeer and wilcox came" seats had got shifted there was the seperation into the cyber cafe the go between and the paathshala.
by the second month we were part of the uni. making our own ruckus doing our thing. the trips to the library became fewer. lockers were acquired. my lappie arrived in grand style. the first evening spent on campus listening to debates. the seeds of romance were sown alot of change. good times.
then was the 'enabling' of the "blue-toe" the ending of the midterms culminating in going back home for medical reasons. ooh i forgot we had the article writing thing and the moot thing which was immense fun filled us up with purpose and awe for some seniors.
after the trip back home things changed............ i changed too. the class was alot more mature. like the changing in cards show a change in your fortune the shifting of places around the classroom changed its dynamics. i parked myself before the plug point.
okay rest in next dinner time................................ hunger calling!
and some nostalgia........ why so soon u may ask well only because next month this time new things will pre-occupy me and then all these images in my head wil turn sepia to blurry to simply non-existence and besides pictures i want to record some written ode's for posteirity.
lets start at the beginning.............. i have a lot of free time and un interuppted access to the desktop tday woohoo!!!
so 50 years record rainfall and i thought all that water in the fields was for growing paddy. ;-)
through the train i saw people catch zillions of tiny fishes in the water logged near the train tracks it made for good amusement for me and alot of worry for my dad. poor thing he was the only one who understood the gravity of the situation me and ma were more into soaking the atmosphere with ma reminiscicing about her project in the state.
so we reach i expect a city or a quaint place like u see in uttarakhand okay so that about the extent of my travel in north india not saying i have travelled extensively in south india.
we reach a place where every second shop looks like a hardware shop with tyres hanging. those few hours i was freaking out........... majorly freaking out. i had heard it was trade city but that day seriously all i saw were black grubby tyres everywhere. i ve returned since to those roads but never have they felt as dismal as they felt that day.
then proceeded the magnanimous effort of finding a place to park the luggage change and call as a temporary home till i am safely 'put' in the hostel. if i get into those details i will spend and entirety of a lifetime describing the comedy of errors so lets just skim the details roughly after alot of over hauling going up coming down lugging the suitcase here lugging it there spotting a few seniors having some ice- cream (they were in formals and even then i had guessed it wasnt the sort of place where the youth would randomly all congregate in black pants and coat in tow)
we found a place that seemed pretty central why there was a huge market bang in front so reaching the uni shouldnt be a daunting task.
then we all bathed and simply flopped and slept. actually my parents slept while i secretly went nuts!!
then a visit to the ATM to teach me the operations a rough rekky of the place and we were off to see the campus and get me registered. after being very thoroughly over charged we reached the place. my heart still pounding a thousand beats a minute. i finally breathed a sigh of relief when i entered the place and saw all the seniors coming in with their suitcases hugging their classmates and being generally very happy to be back. so i surmised such mass happiness cannot be a chimera. people exist here. normal looking students. no sight of a cycle tyre in sight. they all seem to be happy. everyone is independant no one has their parent lugging their luggage for them so face the facts ure in a university university. not a dress parade finally! i breathed a big sigh of relief and never felt that anxiety ever again.
so that done the whole confusion of the admission done.
from being amongst the first to join the hostel, to that eventful first night of talking non-stop for hours i -oh man- was like a drunk person baring their soul. poor S oh and S lol!! dont want to be reminded of that stupidity. but we made very ambitious goals that night. its to be seen if we lived up to them or not.
okay so i have got admitted in the uni and in the hostel. then is learning experience of getting ready in 20 min in a broken bathroom in formals and looking a dapper for the first day. i believe we did with a flourish and style that has yet to be matched. lol!
so the first day introductions- ORIENTATION- the mess lines me blabbering on incessantly. i realized then that everywhere besides the stage if i get nervous i talk and talk and talk and mostly giberrish of the top of my head and very very fast.
oh lets skip all that already my memory is a bit scanty that night the dinner me mistaking one of my favourite profs now for the outlook express editor. the apples falling speach. the awesome dinner. the only time when rain poured when i was happy so i could look up and say very caustically "pathetic fallacy again" humph!
the making of new friends, the last night with my parents maybe i am confusing the order a bit. all i remember is when i was all happy and excited about law school i completely forgot about my parents and left them with a quick and cursory hug and a get out already!! my life's begin ive spent a long enough time with u guys ;-)
ADHD- naaaah! just excitement.
okay so for the first month me and S would sit at our bench 3rd from the front in the 2 row from the right and would literally race to save it for ourselves. i dont remember clearly who picked it out me or her. well even fought some localites once for coming before the bus arrived and "stealing" our seats. with no words though we simply hifted them and pretended to be innocent of all foul play.;-)
the first month was interesting, with visits to the library walking on foot to every place in raipur to know the city. and we did know the whole city like the back of our hands by the end of that month. we had eaten as a group in almost every place. the rikshaw accident- oh lord!!!!
the guys knew all their watering holes and paan walas. the classes were amazing, interactive and fun. we even listened with rapt attention to "in the ancient" but somewhere in "mediwall" the momentum was lost and by the "Arungeer and wilcox came" seats had got shifted there was the seperation into the cyber cafe the go between and the paathshala.
by the second month we were part of the uni. making our own ruckus doing our thing. the trips to the library became fewer. lockers were acquired. my lappie arrived in grand style. the first evening spent on campus listening to debates. the seeds of romance were sown alot of change. good times.
then was the 'enabling' of the "blue-toe" the ending of the midterms culminating in going back home for medical reasons. ooh i forgot we had the article writing thing and the moot thing which was immense fun filled us up with purpose and awe for some seniors.
after the trip back home things changed............ i changed too. the class was alot more mature. like the changing in cards show a change in your fortune the shifting of places around the classroom changed its dynamics. i parked myself before the plug point.
okay rest in next dinner time................................ hunger calling!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Introspection
i had oppurtunity to read my old posts from before and all i can say is which world was i living in??
those were sad times indeed but such different things affect me now.............. guess law school has made me grow into a different person. and all that 'Character Building' then has paid off.
one feels so much at peace after clarifying things out and laughing on common jokes. me and the sis had a heart to heart. no more walking on egg shells. its so simple to sort things out its amazing. and there are some people who are up there in ure list and they go incommunicado sometimes (also due to my inability to keep up long distance communications) but its like riding a bike u dont forget. companiable silence is a prized thing with only a few in life and its worth preserving.
being ill all these days has made me introspective..... cant sleep the whole day.... cant talk sound like a construction site (though it still is a pretty tough job shutting me up) i resorted to reading and thinking.
the oddest thing happened... nothing was working out and everything felt hopeless plus confined to the bed with fever isnt exactly pleasant resting experience so desperate times call for desperate measures thus i resorted to my all time favourite book for solace. and oddly a paragraph that i dont ever remember reading in my multiple readings i found that was exactly my thoughts in print.
it was amazing i jumped out of bed grabbed a pencil marked the lines- that itself for me is a very extreme step as i hate mutilating my books but this was a miracle in short. then i grabbed my laptop and wrote till i felt better.
it felt oddly ............... oh man miraculous it was like a message from the 19th century written just for me meant to be read only on that fated day on the fated fowl mood. lol!!! okay i may be having viral delirium but it seemed bloody fantastic at that time.
to quote the MATRIX coincidence- providence more likely.
it brightened my day made me realize that people are a bunch of idiots who u cant rely upon but BOOKS DONT FAIL... the next morning the rant sounds extremely childish and even mildly humourous but then writing was catharsis.
a lot of things have happened since morning- eventful- feel better the flu is getting better.
calmer now with things being sorted out. feel light like i could fly if i just jumped of the ledge.
and then i began the reading of my old posts and like always didnt fail to embarass myself. ah BOYZONE good lord!!!
daniel beddingfield i never liked him those must have been real dark days.
i am happy......... i am home... i am happy at home woohoo!!
okay too many distractions cant keep single thread of though
those were sad times indeed but such different things affect me now.............. guess law school has made me grow into a different person. and all that 'Character Building' then has paid off.
one feels so much at peace after clarifying things out and laughing on common jokes. me and the sis had a heart to heart. no more walking on egg shells. its so simple to sort things out its amazing. and there are some people who are up there in ure list and they go incommunicado sometimes (also due to my inability to keep up long distance communications) but its like riding a bike u dont forget. companiable silence is a prized thing with only a few in life and its worth preserving.
being ill all these days has made me introspective..... cant sleep the whole day.... cant talk sound like a construction site (though it still is a pretty tough job shutting me up) i resorted to reading and thinking.
the oddest thing happened... nothing was working out and everything felt hopeless plus confined to the bed with fever isnt exactly pleasant resting experience so desperate times call for desperate measures thus i resorted to my all time favourite book for solace. and oddly a paragraph that i dont ever remember reading in my multiple readings i found that was exactly my thoughts in print.
it was amazing i jumped out of bed grabbed a pencil marked the lines- that itself for me is a very extreme step as i hate mutilating my books but this was a miracle in short. then i grabbed my laptop and wrote till i felt better.
it felt oddly ............... oh man miraculous it was like a message from the 19th century written just for me meant to be read only on that fated day on the fated fowl mood. lol!!! okay i may be having viral delirium but it seemed bloody fantastic at that time.
to quote the MATRIX coincidence- providence more likely.
it brightened my day made me realize that people are a bunch of idiots who u cant rely upon but BOOKS DONT FAIL... the next morning the rant sounds extremely childish and even mildly humourous but then writing was catharsis.
a lot of things have happened since morning- eventful- feel better the flu is getting better.
calmer now with things being sorted out. feel light like i could fly if i just jumped of the ledge.
and then i began the reading of my old posts and like always didnt fail to embarass myself. ah BOYZONE good lord!!!
daniel beddingfield i never liked him those must have been real dark days.
i am happy......... i am home... i am happy at home woohoo!!
okay too many distractions cant keep single thread of though
Friday, November 9, 2007
home again
who packs clean laundry while going home end semester ................ i do
who gets random phone calls to check out blogs i do
who has an adams family........... i do
btw world happy diwali!
so its been a whirlwind............. from my birthday on the train to diwali at home.............. i didnt expect ever to miss campus........... my flat so much.
"i m having fun A just miss u alot, going to catch a movie tomorrow hows life going"- V
well life officially is about cleaning alot of muck in my room and all that.
sisters over, my mums intern is over its fun , crazy mad altogether.
its diwali after a long time it was very bright but it over shadowed my birthday no fair out went all the big plans. but had my own little birthday party back in uni was fun! loads of fun............. havent slept properly since after that havent even seen the pics yet will do it tday.
i wrote two poems last night, weird ones on my laptop and home i just needed something to do at midnight so iwrote. its fun.
okay so today morning was weird........... very weird. embarrassing, awkward to say the least.
um......... so thats how putting your thought online can be embarrassing. hmm..........
i still do it ............. y.................... because ... BECAUSe i am addicted .
and because its my only anonynmous vent. i like it.
who gets random phone calls to check out blogs i do
who has an adams family........... i do
btw world happy diwali!
so its been a whirlwind............. from my birthday on the train to diwali at home.............. i didnt expect ever to miss campus........... my flat so much.
"i m having fun A just miss u alot, going to catch a movie tomorrow hows life going"- V
well life officially is about cleaning alot of muck in my room and all that.
sisters over, my mums intern is over its fun , crazy mad altogether.
its diwali after a long time it was very bright but it over shadowed my birthday no fair out went all the big plans. but had my own little birthday party back in uni was fun! loads of fun............. havent slept properly since after that havent even seen the pics yet will do it tday.
i wrote two poems last night, weird ones on my laptop and home i just needed something to do at midnight so iwrote. its fun.
okay so today morning was weird........... very weird. embarrassing, awkward to say the least.
um......... so thats how putting your thought online can be embarrassing. hmm..........
i still do it ............. y.................... because ... BECAUSe i am addicted .
and because its my only anonynmous vent. i like it.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
mondays........
so yesterday was eventful. first the amobitiousness of staying back home and studying. then the emotional dilemna leading to damning the plan and just going out for a good day out. then being caught with a jhadoo in my hand by my proff in the middle of the road. a degustation in the malls food court. hours of trying on clothes and finally buying the perrrfect wine coloured shirt. i have good taste thank you very much.
well it was mondo fun........... poor V bore with my while i turned the shop inside out driving the sales girl mad. but it was well needed retail therapy.
i must have changed coz i condemned the very act but to my defense the trying out was more fun than buying.;-) lol! hate money leaving my palms.
well thinking of for once paying attention in class........ bye
well it was mondo fun........... poor V bore with my while i turned the shop inside out driving the sales girl mad. but it was well needed retail therapy.
i must have changed coz i condemned the very act but to my defense the trying out was more fun than buying.;-) lol! hate money leaving my palms.
well thinking of for once paying attention in class........ bye
Thursday, September 27, 2007
need to write
a deadline got extended dont have the pressure of the whole world on my shoulders any more, atlas didnt shrugg some one just helped him out and gave him a crane. and now i feel crummy, it could be the sudden lack of purpose...
i am a sinal wave have phases of happy and sad sometimes within the same minute........ i may be getting bi-polar or maybe its just life.
life coming ahead is going to be crummy, bleak without any thing to look forward to till the day.
but i dont want to build it up and then get dissapointed because it didnt measure up. i do that alot. i need a break but dont have the time for it. and doing what will give me that one hour of letting go cum blanking out cum mindless senseless activity or inactivity. maybe dancing will help or talking to someone who'll get the feeling. or a movie or senseless behaviour.
this is why i sometimes feel i need an addiction. but sadly nothing appeals. maybe i'll turn into a vandal but the aftermath guilt would be too much
high for second is not worth that amount of remorse.
i'll tell u why i write here, its an online journal i write very personally but i do it coz in my head uploading is like putting a question out there in the cosmos. it helps me . the knowing that its been sent as a prayer ............ i dont wait for an answer the release is enough.
i am a sinal wave have phases of happy and sad sometimes within the same minute........ i may be getting bi-polar or maybe its just life.
life coming ahead is going to be crummy, bleak without any thing to look forward to till the day.
but i dont want to build it up and then get dissapointed because it didnt measure up. i do that alot. i need a break but dont have the time for it. and doing what will give me that one hour of letting go cum blanking out cum mindless senseless activity or inactivity. maybe dancing will help or talking to someone who'll get the feeling. or a movie or senseless behaviour.
this is why i sometimes feel i need an addiction. but sadly nothing appeals. maybe i'll turn into a vandal but the aftermath guilt would be too much
high for second is not worth that amount of remorse.
i'll tell u why i write here, its an online journal i write very personally but i do it coz in my head uploading is like putting a question out there in the cosmos. it helps me . the knowing that its been sent as a prayer ............ i dont wait for an answer the release is enough.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
epiphany
i realized what ive been wanting to do............... what i really want to do right now...............
i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.
i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.
i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.
the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.
since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.
i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.
i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.
i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.
i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.
the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.
since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.
i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.
nothingness
i am in a haze today.................. finished with my first set of tests in a place ive always wanted to be law school............... i am not happy not relieved just in a haze.
my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.
i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!
i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.
i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.
i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.
i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.
i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.
i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............
and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .
complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!
my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.
i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!
i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.
i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.
i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.
i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.
i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.
i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............
and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .
complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
therapeutic
its therapeutic to vent out....................... so here it is.
finally cleared my phone of all the pictures and downloaded them on the laptop.........opened a flickr account will upload them later on.
changed the music too........... felt like a complete change.......... put in
i m bored............... poised for action.......... here i go again..............
nope will not continue this sob fest.............. see u sometime later.
goodbye
finally cleared my phone of all the pictures and downloaded them on the laptop.........opened a flickr account will upload them later on.
changed the music too........... felt like a complete change.......... put in
- boyzone- words
- chalte chalte- kishore kumar(kk)
- chookar mere man ko- kk
- counting crows- big yellow cab
- counting crows-mr.jones
- daniel beddingfield- gotta get thru this
- darius-rushes
- dido- white flag
- ik ladki bheegi- kk
- i'm with u - avril lavigne
- musafir hooon-kk
- my sacrifice-
- i m like a bird- nelly furtado
- raatkali-kk
- roop tera-kk
- that 70's show title song
- here i am- bryan adams
- teri deewani- kailash kher
- all that she wants-ace of base
- where is the love- BEP
- light my fire-doors
i m bored............... poised for action.......... here i go again..............
nope will not continue this sob fest.............. see u sometime later.
goodbye
transitions
a transition period for me.
i dunno what will happen and that requires immense patience.
i m waiting for a final conclusion.
while doing that i was listening to michael buble
-everything
-home
-mrs.jones
-save the last dance for me
norah jones
-sunrise
-come away with me
|
|
|
the whole album
counting crows- big yellow cab
daniel beding field- gonna get thru this
kishore kumar
bryan adams
why am i boring u with these inane details bcoz prolly u get bored by everything else also and i didnt want to go too long without writing and well i have nothing to write about.
in a metaphysical limbo..................... cant do anything becoz i dont know where i'll be in a week from now. very difficult being cheerfull at a time like this. more like being on death row.
but atleast then i'd know if nothing else i'll die.
conversely if nothing else i'll continue living now.............. hmm........ not living existing till i find a purpose then i'll thrive.
i joked today............... i have all the tools and the advice to tackle life. it only has to start. i ve done the jumping................ ive done my part and am approaching it. does it catch me or will it let me crash and burn???
well well i did need to write after all........ confused, yet know exactly what i want, aimless yet can see my goal clearly.... ambivalent ...... thats what my life is now ambivalent......... wishy washy.........neither here nor there...........squiggly............crossroads with billions of crisscrossing paths.
if this is what builds character................... i'd like to be character-less thank u very much!
will it be too dramatic to shout out "why god why??" or maybe even a "hello! god remember me??"
transitions.......... transitionary phase........ movement........... well i m motion sick!
over and out!
i dunno what will happen and that requires immense patience.
i m waiting for a final conclusion.
while doing that i was listening to michael buble
-everything
-home
-mrs.jones
-save the last dance for me
norah jones
-sunrise
-come away with me
|
|
|
the whole album
counting crows- big yellow cab
daniel beding field- gonna get thru this
kishore kumar
bryan adams
why am i boring u with these inane details bcoz prolly u get bored by everything else also and i didnt want to go too long without writing and well i have nothing to write about.
in a metaphysical limbo..................... cant do anything becoz i dont know where i'll be in a week from now. very difficult being cheerfull at a time like this. more like being on death row.
but atleast then i'd know if nothing else i'll die.
conversely if nothing else i'll continue living now.............. hmm........ not living existing till i find a purpose then i'll thrive.
i joked today............... i have all the tools and the advice to tackle life. it only has to start. i ve done the jumping................ ive done my part and am approaching it. does it catch me or will it let me crash and burn???
well well i did need to write after all........ confused, yet know exactly what i want, aimless yet can see my goal clearly.... ambivalent ...... thats what my life is now ambivalent......... wishy washy.........neither here nor there...........squiggly............crossroads with billions of crisscrossing paths.
if this is what builds character................... i'd like to be character-less thank u very much!
will it be too dramatic to shout out "why god why??" or maybe even a "hello! god remember me??"
transitions.......... transitionary phase........ movement........... well i m motion sick!
over and out!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
crazy things parents do.
ever reached ure exam centre and seen parents all around u better versed with your syllabi than ureself?
ever come out of one only to be thoroughly "interrogated" by some parent u dont even know just coz their kid hasnt come out yet and they want to "predict" how his/her exam would have gone.
well been giving alot of exams this past week and seriously if you leave the nervousness of giving the exam ureself aside its a pretty interesting atmosphere to absorb. so this is what my ma and i do, chills me out and gives me a few laughs(and pointers) before an exam, we watch everyone around us.
i've seen everything from teenagers hanging out with their friends and catching on the lates gossip without caring less about the exam or its prep, to hyper active kids rattling off god knows what not trivia and getting proud smiles from their parents.
one girl was very well dressed looked ready to hand over her pencil box and partayy! with eye liner, lipstick , open hair , trendy clothes the works . she was standing with her parents. well her father was one of those over ambitious for my children types and kept "refreshing" her math formulas and GK trivia and generally giving her pointers on everything. i was overhearing rather enviously wondering how come my daddy doesnt ever teach me how to solve questions of boats moving upstream and downstream.(i sure could use all the help i get) so i turned to ma to give her one of my looks and she sniggered. so i asked why..... and then i noticed the poor girls expression, she couldnt care less and her fathers repeated "refreshing" was making her terribly nervous.she kept fidgeting and hinting that she really should go nearer to the gate, and so they did father daughter all. ;-)
the other category is the outstation parents with their children. the fathers speaking rather hollering into their cellphones poised near their mouths rapidly moving to and fro from their mouth and ear."hum dilli main hain baad me phone karenge" well that and various variations of it in different accents. with very festive ringtones on full blasts.
the children with their parents standing right in front of the gate usually doing some last minute revision from a thick book with their mums looking on dotingly. as soon as someone resembling a guard would come near the gate thinking they were going to be opened the kids would dive towards their parents feet for a final blessing and many times it would be just the guard getting his 15 minutes of fame, brandishing his stick in a crisp uniform donning sunglasses (it is the scorching summer u know) showing off, that he controls the entry to our future. due the many bogus calls, it would be around the 8th or 10th time that he would really open the gates. well resulting in those lucky ones in getting blessed 8 times before an exam. no wonder they are so thing( great ab work out) and feeling very confident coz unke pas ma ka ashirvaad hai.
and then they are people like me, who were erstwhile nervous wrecks before exams but now due to extensive counselling dont even get the good nervousness that is normal before an exam and usually is standing at the centre looking and everyone else, living in my own universe where everyone else sucks and i m the queen of the world.
well whether all the looking and getting secondhand pointers really helped me or not i dont know, the results are yet to come out but i do feel confident and feel ive done well. but whether or not im thru i thank god i dont have parents who block other kids ways preventing them from entering the exam hall coz they want to make sure their kid gets in alright creating a mighty ruckus, or one of those who stand holding the railings of the gates as if they were in prison and undergo the vilest pain when their ward gives and exam, or one of those who tutors me and will ask me to immediately vomit out all my answers to estimate how i;ve done.
thank god ive got normal parents who well the maximum they do if there in town is to drop me off at my centre, kiss me luck on my forehead and meet me back in the car after the exam and ask whether i m hungry.
my dad though has a tendency to get a little crazy so he no longer comes, my mom has a principle each one taking responsibility of their own life so no major interferences atleast never during the exam time, i want to score i will study and well it is my exam and she can do nothing really about it.
but i guess each person has their own idiosyncrasies, i refuse to enter without my goodluck kiss and even though i may not lunge for my mums feet i do keep bending my forehead for a kiss, very embarassing but i works wonders. so as a chronicler of life i am completely biased and snooty but hey i am sure one look at me and u'll never guess!
love
anon
ever come out of one only to be thoroughly "interrogated" by some parent u dont even know just coz their kid hasnt come out yet and they want to "predict" how his/her exam would have gone.
well been giving alot of exams this past week and seriously if you leave the nervousness of giving the exam ureself aside its a pretty interesting atmosphere to absorb. so this is what my ma and i do, chills me out and gives me a few laughs(and pointers) before an exam, we watch everyone around us.
i've seen everything from teenagers hanging out with their friends and catching on the lates gossip without caring less about the exam or its prep, to hyper active kids rattling off god knows what not trivia and getting proud smiles from their parents.
one girl was very well dressed looked ready to hand over her pencil box and partayy! with eye liner, lipstick , open hair , trendy clothes the works . she was standing with her parents. well her father was one of those over ambitious for my children types and kept "refreshing" her math formulas and GK trivia and generally giving her pointers on everything. i was overhearing rather enviously wondering how come my daddy doesnt ever teach me how to solve questions of boats moving upstream and downstream.(i sure could use all the help i get) so i turned to ma to give her one of my looks and she sniggered. so i asked why..... and then i noticed the poor girls expression, she couldnt care less and her fathers repeated "refreshing" was making her terribly nervous.she kept fidgeting and hinting that she really should go nearer to the gate, and so they did father daughter all. ;-)
the other category is the outstation parents with their children. the fathers speaking rather hollering into their cellphones poised near their mouths rapidly moving to and fro from their mouth and ear."hum dilli main hain baad me phone karenge" well that and various variations of it in different accents. with very festive ringtones on full blasts.
the children with their parents standing right in front of the gate usually doing some last minute revision from a thick book with their mums looking on dotingly. as soon as someone resembling a guard would come near the gate thinking they were going to be opened the kids would dive towards their parents feet for a final blessing and many times it would be just the guard getting his 15 minutes of fame, brandishing his stick in a crisp uniform donning sunglasses (it is the scorching summer u know) showing off, that he controls the entry to our future. due the many bogus calls, it would be around the 8th or 10th time that he would really open the gates. well resulting in those lucky ones in getting blessed 8 times before an exam. no wonder they are so thing( great ab work out) and feeling very confident coz unke pas ma ka ashirvaad hai.
and then they are people like me, who were erstwhile nervous wrecks before exams but now due to extensive counselling dont even get the good nervousness that is normal before an exam and usually is standing at the centre looking and everyone else, living in my own universe where everyone else sucks and i m the queen of the world.
well whether all the looking and getting secondhand pointers really helped me or not i dont know, the results are yet to come out but i do feel confident and feel ive done well. but whether or not im thru i thank god i dont have parents who block other kids ways preventing them from entering the exam hall coz they want to make sure their kid gets in alright creating a mighty ruckus, or one of those who stand holding the railings of the gates as if they were in prison and undergo the vilest pain when their ward gives and exam, or one of those who tutors me and will ask me to immediately vomit out all my answers to estimate how i;ve done.
thank god ive got normal parents who well the maximum they do if there in town is to drop me off at my centre, kiss me luck on my forehead and meet me back in the car after the exam and ask whether i m hungry.
my dad though has a tendency to get a little crazy so he no longer comes, my mom has a principle each one taking responsibility of their own life so no major interferences atleast never during the exam time, i want to score i will study and well it is my exam and she can do nothing really about it.
but i guess each person has their own idiosyncrasies, i refuse to enter without my goodluck kiss and even though i may not lunge for my mums feet i do keep bending my forehead for a kiss, very embarassing but i works wonders. so as a chronicler of life i am completely biased and snooty but hey i am sure one look at me and u'll never guess!
love
anon
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
my nemesis Error Win 32
do u know who Error Win 32 is??
i bet even the microsoft guys dont know.
its this sadistic, monster in my comp, not a virus not a system error, it calls itself smugly Error Win32 and it hates me using my internet.
my parents never controlled my internet usage, Win32 does it for them. it even goes a step ahead it curtails their net usage as well.
still doesnt ring a bell let me explain. i m online, in between urgent research for a paper or writing a real long mail or trying to fill out my profile for my blog and what happens right in the middle of my work. when half the mail has been typed but only a quater has been saved as a draft. this error white box with a blue header pops and ruins the whole thing. it very innocently tells me error win 32 has occured and the thing i was working on may be lost.
then what, i can chat for as long as i want, and that will continue as normal but try saving a mail or even signing out and the operation TIMES OUT.
the only cure i found for it is to shut down and start again. no antivirus worked coz it isnt a virus, umpteen defragmentations didnt work. now i am at my wits end. suprisingly it hasnt interrupted me yet. maybe its a publicity loving, limelight hoggin error that is gloating over the power it has over me that i write a whole essay on it.
is there anyone in the world who shares my pain and even....knows a cure?
i bet even the microsoft guys dont know.
its this sadistic, monster in my comp, not a virus not a system error, it calls itself smugly Error Win32 and it hates me using my internet.
my parents never controlled my internet usage, Win32 does it for them. it even goes a step ahead it curtails their net usage as well.
still doesnt ring a bell let me explain. i m online, in between urgent research for a paper or writing a real long mail or trying to fill out my profile for my blog and what happens right in the middle of my work. when half the mail has been typed but only a quater has been saved as a draft. this error white box with a blue header pops and ruins the whole thing. it very innocently tells me error win 32 has occured and the thing i was working on may be lost.
then what, i can chat for as long as i want, and that will continue as normal but try saving a mail or even signing out and the operation TIMES OUT.
the only cure i found for it is to shut down and start again. no antivirus worked coz it isnt a virus, umpteen defragmentations didnt work. now i am at my wits end. suprisingly it hasnt interrupted me yet. maybe its a publicity loving, limelight hoggin error that is gloating over the power it has over me that i write a whole essay on it.
is there anyone in the world who shares my pain and even....knows a cure?
Monday, April 9, 2007
truly venting out! a crappy day!
this is not how i wanted to start, but SERIOUSLY where is common sense in people. by defination its supposed to be well........ common. arrgh!why does every body not use their own brain and save alot of trouble. mostly we tend to follow the crowd, making rumour mongerers sooo happy. today i realised how simple it is to change mass opinion.
this is the modus operandi
AIM: to create alot of misinformation.
POA: catch a message carrier usually gullible, sweet, naive and ofcourse social.
Step 1. send a desperate SMS, e-mail , or plain and simple make a frantic call, i heard from so and so about this and that and YOU KNOW WHAT we've got it all wrong SHE SAY's, HE SAY's blah blah blah. and then the deadly words please can u call and CONFIRM. ( why dont u do that ureself eh??)
Step 2. the nice gullible person X gets worried, ponders on the issue gets worried some more and well informs everyone on his/her contact list.
Step 3. ppl get worried make frantic calls to each other but still no one does anything, only precipitate the issue by informing more people and adding further eyes and ears to the matter.
Step 4. some idiot like me who hates keeping matters dangling tries to reassure people, "everythings fine just a misunderstanding" but of course no one believes so I try to get in touch with the concerned authorities, I clarify the issue and I have to explain the same thing to half dozen odd people who will keep asking the same questions but will never listen to its logical answer.
oooof!!
what i am left with is a hoarse voice, a depleted phone balance and well no gratitude nothing zilch, nada , nothing.
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