tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81262200505760818042024-03-13T14:05:07.450-07:00Venting outAnonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-15574369551168359932023-05-23T23:11:00.001-07:002023-05-23T23:18:53.760-07:00Ghar Wapsi<p> This blog was created to channelise the angst of post teen- early twenty something, figuring herself and life out.</p><p>It was an easy decision, one day i was subject of a blog post, next day i wanted to be an author of one. But it had to exist anonymously. No one was supposed to actually read it. </p><p>Before social media, it was the way to interact with the world, not with pictures of food, life, dance or reels on all of the above, but with your words, thoughts and expressions. But like i am today, i didnt want people to know these thoughts were mine. </p><p>It was cathartic to write and post in the wide vast world.</p><p>I think its time to return and share about the loves of my life and their stories. This place was meant for the tales to be told and its time to revive that. </p>Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-16856908849709346302013-06-03T07:13:00.000-07:002013-06-03T07:13:19.539-07:00Ages gone by....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Two years!<br />
I remember when I started the blog, as I read through it, I recall some of what I was writing about, some I just cant remember, but those were the important things for me then. Worth putting it out here, hoping for someone to give me a solution, show me a way..... and a couple of years down the line I am straining to remember what it was.<br />
<br />
Life has changed so much, in a moment of extreme narcissism I googled myself, and then out of the blue recalled I had a blog and wanted to re-acquaint myself with me of yesteryear. I enjoyed the trip, cant say down the memory lane because I just realised ...MEMORY FADES...I wont remember all these inner turmoils and small things when I am sixty, strangely I'll remember a grossly edited version of my life. Edited by my subconscious to include god-knows-what.<br />
<br />
Maybe Ma was right, the memories that seem so vivid years later could be just figments of my imagination, things I wish to believe in. Have you ever felt this? Its surreal. I should say though, I sound smarter than I am today. I think I am growing up stupid. I was born pretty smart. <br />
<br />
I write so poignantly of heartache, and while it makes for an interesting read, I cant remember any of it. How transitory is life, What is REALLY important? Its a humbling realisation, a resounding, THIS TOO SHALL PASS from the Universe. And the happiest thing is I wont remember this despondency, this feeling of nothingness. My brain will auto erase, or worse like in 1984 am I rewriting the past to keep up with my future. My subconscious Big Brother... shudder! At a time when the future seems so stagnant its amusing to think of my past as constantly evolving and changing and moving forward.<br />
<br />
"<i>The past not only changed, but it changed continuously" (George Orwell)</i><br />
<br />
Glad one of us is....<br />
<br />
what has happened in these two years, well the first year I became a kid again and in the second year I was rudely thrust into adulthood. I am still reeling from the whiplash the change caused, and now that I have some time to sit and lick my wounds, I am stuck in a dark place unable to escape a sort of limbo, Limbo between will and needs, between desires and capability. I wish I was born a dog. Give Love Receive Love. Eat.. Play.. Sleep. A dog is intelligent when it obeys. I wish I could just obey. life would be so much simpler. I would be vastly successful, and be the fat-est, proudest, Rat in the Race. Instead I decided to be a shepherd, A shepherd who currently doesnt know where she's going and has lost all her lambs. Its a lonely place, but have heart two years from, none of this will mean squat, they'll be other problems then, Other lives to live then. And this life, this one, would not exist, even in your own mind. </div>
Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-10940110710919289092011-04-09T05:38:00.000-07:002011-04-09T05:53:33.432-07:00Back HomeDear you,<div><br /></div><div>This past week has been an experience.... in a lot of ways. The new places, new sights, sounds, people, food, cultures all was alot to take in and was fun. The strangest thing was how the past never leaves you and creeps up on you in the most unexpected of manners. I always thought that if you traveled far away you can leave your past behind. but in this maze of time and matter fragments of our past often travel ahead of us and meet us in the future. Both London and Oxford had that connection in either people or places or activities. Both at times brought back the familiar muddle of emotions and feelings and thoughts which has been erased from your mind by time and gets suddenly refreshed totally out of context in some literally foreign place. <div><br /></div><div>Oddly also, i never felt like i was in a foreign place in any of the legs of my trip. it was a very comfortable and cozy trip. i felt at peace in discovering the new places. it almost became a metaphor to me discovering myself and through that my peace of mind. I havent been soul searching for a while and the new place provided the impetus to do it and thankfully at a right time.</div><div><br /></div><div>As is normal, somethings came to an end, new dreams were born, old ones refueled, some relationships became stronger, some stayed the same.... it was just 10 days of my life but it felt like a lifetime somedays and somedays as short as a blink of an eye. i'll carry the memories very close to my heart for long time to come. </div><div>to hopefully many more such times to come... cheers!</div></div><div><br /></div><div>best,</div><div>A</div>Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-66056877920565101922010-10-08T11:48:00.000-07:002010-10-08T11:51:46.738-07:00Heartbreak Warfare<p class="MsoNormal">Everything takes time to heal, a sprain a few days, a muscle pull a week, a broken bone, few weeks, but the damned broken heart takes too long. How long will I hide behind the farce of a phobia when I always fall head first into love and then figure out the repercussions. The good part of being in love with an idea of a person is that you get those snatches happiness, that you don’t rationalise, that you don’t submit to reason, those crazy moments of pure bliss. When you know you had a good time. The sorry kind of love I preach is one in which I have no expectations from the other person to meet my expectations yet I’ll have some and eagerly wait for them to be met. Every nice gesture becomes memorable, do I get lead on.... yes alot but not with my eyes closed, oh no, I get played very well knowing I am getting played and thinking that I am too smart to get burned and then I crash and burn and ache all over. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">This heartache that clouds my mind, holds firm grip on my emotions that keeps me perpetually on sad standby, I want it gone. Time is the healer of all wounds but for the first time I want to rebound from a no relationship, get into a relationship because I want to get over this guy. But who am I kidding, I am no stud, I’ll never be able to that, chances are I’ll fall in love with the bugger of a rebound and be writing woefully about him next.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">God, wherever you are.... zandu balm for the heart is required.</p>Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-22706285235998325832010-05-14T05:09:00.000-07:002010-05-14T05:14:35.578-07:00i've realised i have a tendency, to be stand offish, to be verbose and wish i was more guarded, to be guarded and wish i had said more, to be self sacrificial, to always long for the impossible.. not in the ambitious sort of way, but in the setting yourself up for heart ache sort of way.<div><br /></div><div>i've also realised i've known of these tendencies for long and i wear them as a proud badge on my collar. </div><div><br /></div><div>but its these tendencies that give me the routine wallow in sorrow time which i hate-need occasionally. </div><div><br /></div><div>a public declaration of the tendency/-ies is not helping. i continue stubbornly along the vicious cycle of emotional masochism.</div><div><br /></div><div>bleh!</div>Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-22282051715417845302010-05-06T05:09:00.000-07:002010-05-06T05:12:42.053-07:00flowingtime flows, its been a year, however all the places i still frequent inevitably lead me to draw parallels and so much has always changed. its moments like this that make you realise that life moves on and you however unperceptibly change alongwith it.Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-63777146980305332792009-12-01T21:49:00.001-08:002009-12-01T21:55:22.206-08:00The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy..So I saw a copy of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy today in class, and well might have gone into embarrassing raptures. See the person in whose possession the book was, wasn’t as excited about the book as I was getting and well the pitch in my voice was rising, sadly it wasn’t as well taken by the other party…..<br />Why I get so excited about it is because its one of my favourite books in the whole world. Its my guide to life sort of, everytime I am pissed, down in the dumps, bored, need inspiration I read bits of the book and without fail it makes me cry with laughter. And somehow, something I read, few lines, a passage, anything will jump at me and make me feel alright about life.<br /><br /> Lets try, I’ve been wondering of late exactly where my life is going, I am halfway through my education, at an important age and stage in life, however I feel somehow I am losing all the theads of control and its disconcerting to say the least.<br />What did I come across that appealed to me when I grabbed the book of that fellows hand:<br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"><em>“Ford”, he said suddenly, “look, if that Question is printed in my brain wave patterns but I am not consciously aware of it must be somewhere in unconscious.”<br />“Yes, I suppose so.”<br />“There might be a way of bringing that unconscious pattern forward.”<br />“Oh, Yes?”<br />“Yes, by introducing some random element that can be shaped by that pattern.”<br /></em></span><br />Its not the funniest line or the one that is most profound. But it hit me and all felt solvable. For people who have read the book they know what the Question embedded in his brain was. Its my towel, its my comfort book. Have I said already I love it. Its one of those books that I like keep going back to. The language, the way sentences are framed, the way he writes, what he writes, I can go on all day. I get embarrassingly sugary and sickening. I’ll end the gush here.<br /><br />To Douglas Adams, Cheers! And Sir, I love you. <br /><br />Another event today, this really successful person in my field came and delivered a lecture on this really technical and specific area. It was awesome, nice to hear normal English being spoken, it was comforting to be witness to effective communication. But somewhere whatever he was saying felt like another language altogether, sps, fta, chapeau, I sure would have loved a Babel Fish in my ear. ;)<br /><br />You, sir, thank you for coming and making me aware of a whole new field out there. I have to say, though, that you caused a major rant spree yesterday. What if when I pass out and finally get around to being around people who speak like you, I have lost all command over the language and say stupid things like, “yeah I heard you wish from the Backside”, instead of ‘Behind’.<br /><br /><strong>The perpetual struggle of changing with the times without losing who you are.</strong> If you only figure out who you are as you grow older, should you really feel afraid of becoming somebody else. I possibly am still the only 20…gosh! 21 year old who has teenage issues. Divine intervention anytime is always welcome. <em>I am waving my towel around, any ship wish to pick me up?</em>Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-32046935744243705662009-10-22T04:07:00.000-07:002009-10-22T04:09:26.251-07:00the reassuring feel of knowing that the world has forgotten that you exist.<br />how i wish i could reciprocate.Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-999689064776885822009-10-12T10:16:00.001-07:002009-10-12T10:17:36.428-07:00too late..what do you write to an old friend?<br />lets check if we still are in sync?<br />do my words matter?<br />disconnected....Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-73755225867811776452008-12-05T05:10:00.000-08:002008-12-05T05:13:09.933-08:00Dancing.Hey,<br /><br />I like dancing in my head… ever told you that… everytime I day dream…..some form of dancing is always there…it liberates me in my mind… prolly that’s why I love watching others dance so much…. I have the rhythm but just cant open up and do it in reality.<br /><br />In my head… I dance alone or with another person… to a slow songs or elvis… depends on my mood… certain songs I cant hear without picturing myself doing the perfect pirouette or the perfect quick step.<br /><br />Of late.. ive had this terrible urge to waltz …. Like waltz the dance form with someone down my uni corridors....especially the one next to the lockers…on a Sunday afternoon when hardly anyone is around.<br /><br />The image is :<br />He asks stretching his hand out I accept placing my hand… we waltz till we reach the point where the corridor for the mess and teachers lounge opens up and the the piano piece ends [has to be a piano… second best would be a sax] and I curtsy and he bows and its all over.<br /><br />Some variations have fancy conversation [proper decent English] others just leave it at that.. a memory for a lifetime… did I mention what I was wearing…. A knee length skirt, a blouse and a jacket. This image makes me happy inside… it’s a phase this too shall pass.<br /><br />You wouldn’t peg me as a dancer… more a head popper… a wonder my head hasn’t rolled of yet but I when I dream I dream of moving fluidly and gracefully and my tastes favour the classical both Indian and ballroom.<br /><br />The best part of this day dream is I am the star, the other person doesn’t matter, its just me enjoying dancing, and to further this aim requiring a partner.<br /><br />I dance in my head…. There ive said it.<br /><br />XOXOAnonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-20324301561070864272008-03-04T19:34:00.001-08:002008-03-04T19:36:04.903-08:00thoughtHey there, it’s been days and everytime I enter the kitchen I enter with a purpose to fill u in. I am facing a writers block of a different kind… too many things to write about so I decided lets make a start today because keeping it bottled up is getting unbearable.<br /><br />Everything is different random threads that all combine together to form a firmly lodged chip on my shoulder. Bear with the incongruousness and the incomprehensibility of it all.<br /><br />There is this bill board that I see every morning, of a boy transitioning from merely standing to leaping… its hilarious, the sheer stupidity of the board entertains me every morning. The champu guy, the horrible chequered shirt the awful grey pants. The message its supposed to represent, taking the CAT with their helpful coaching of course will jumpstart your life take you places you’ve never been before. I keep wondering if the clothes that that very realistic model is wearing are branded or not as if that would be the final hit on the nail. I don’t know what the point I am driving at is or maybe I know but just can’t say due to the whole incorrectness of it all.<br /><br />Attrition: everything that was me…. See I used ‘was’ and not ‘is’. Is fading…. I am undergoing attrition, my personality is more likely. Did I ever peg myself as desperate, now I am… I have this fantastic notion of ranting on end to this person about nothing and everything that even notionally bothers me. I am a lot bothered these days so my fantastic friends bear the brunt of terribly pseudo conversations on life, love, labour, where I am going why I don’t want to think about where I am going. All my life if I came to the realisation that I did not have an answer for what next I would lock jamb till I reasoned, thought, argued, sought advise and finally figured out what the answer was. The first thing I did subconsciously on coming here is disable that prompt. Stop thinking what next because it could no longer be ascertained, fine I tried planning semesters that failed gloriously, then it narrowed down to months, weeks, days and now hours. What will I be doing in the next hour? If I have an answer to that it’s an accomplishment. I am thoroughly lost in myself with these very perturbing thoughts perennially plaguing me. I am nervous that if I lose myself what am I left with and paradoxically I need to give in a little to do… just simply DO.<br /><br />I cannot conform to the rules of this place yet I don’t intrinsically agree to rebel. I have started hating these words more than you can imagine, their meaning is now forever tagged with things that I don’t like discussing even in my head.<br /><br />The need for an addiction rises everyday… blissful oblivion….. Yet that is the one thing I will never acquire. It is a firm, etched in Rosetta stone fact, it’s my foundation. If that cracks I crumble never to resurrect. I read a beautiful line in some blog the other day the beggars would rather resort to buying marijuana than food because they will never have enough to satisfy the hunger but they have enough to forget that they ever were hungry. I want to forget my hunger like that. I tried substituting mental hunger with real physical hunger it made me sick, I doubled up with pain for a whole night never to try it again. But it helped me get rid of certain unnecessary habits. I am perpetually haunted by this image, I am trying to measure up to this ideal which isn’t an ideal and neither is it perfection in my head. Yet I try continuously to measure up.<br /><br />I am bothered by this heat; either I am not used to heat through out the year- the more plausible one. Or I am not used to this kind of heat. Scalding hot giving no respite, burning in its fury, I hate it. Where did the winter go did I blink just when it came? Seasons guide my perception of time. I feel more in a different time sphere everyday. I wish I could draw or cartoon, I’d make a hero working and living in different parallel spheres of time. A different life a different story in each time.<br /><br />I have both paucity of time and paucity of things to do. I fill up my schedule only to feel completely utterly lost, purposeless. I say grand things they sound hollow. I question before I can assert weakening my own point. I am becoming more and more unsure everyday to my chagrin. The only time I make a point is when I shouldn’t. I am afraid of making my opinions known but they come out as a reflex. I don’t bother about what people think yet to verify that I ask other people. I am unstable, with no one in my corner. No that’s not true I have absolute sweethearts in my corner. But everyday, anyone I meet will never fail to remind me that it doesn’t last… friendships don’t last, same sex and friends- NEVER. As if getting a boyfriend is the solution of it all. How and when did people substitute friendship for companionship I don’t know, there is a fine line I agree but a distinction exists. Yet I am buying their arguments because contradicting them is tiring me, its me against the majority, I am failing miserably, my shouts have become squeaks. I doubt my own premise now. My opponents don’t speak very eloquent language but they are training to be lawyers and are not so easy to be brainwashed. They’d rather sell a man a suicide plan than admit that the opponent could be right.<br /><br />This insecurity has crept in my every action my every thought and it’s like I am seeing myself fall flat on my face in slow motion. Today I wrote to someone, life here is fast, exciting, hectic, supersonic and its great fun till I lose balance and then the tangential force would be so strong it will throw me far away from the sphere of life. Abandoned, homeless.<br /><br />Things change too fast for me to like. Relationships are changing some are returning back to normal. There is no permanency besides the claustrophobia which is all pervasive, strangulating all. Everywhere I see people I don’t want to see and can’t see people I want to see. The irrelevants blocking out the relevant in life, in everything. I wish I could just talk to the handful whom I would like to continue talking to and some who I’d like to know more about and remove the ogling, brain-dead, oxygen stealing nincompoops.<br /><br /><br />STOP! Something small trivial yet essential to existence is bothering me and I can’t put my finger on it. I need a thought niffler to search out the real gold coin from the rest of the leprechaun gold coins. What is the real issue? all these problems are just the tip of the iceberg and I don’t possess neither the clarity of thought nor the objectivity to reach the real issue. That is why I wander aimlessly hoping against hope hopen for such a saviour.<br /><br />But that search has become an all out desperate call for help. What is real? What is normal? To question in the comfort of a grounding is different the same done on unfamiliar grounds shakes you to the core leaving you befuddled and torn. Am I being too melodramatic? Maybe I need some drama in my life? But how much more, I am the lead in a film I never gave consent to act in, but being me was a tacit consent it seems. I am getting sucked into this whirlpool which I don’t know where it will take me. The currents are strong and I am getting tired fighting it. But where does it lead? The question no longer is how long can I resist but I guess where will it take me and will I be able to survive? This compromise sickens me…. I have fallen from grace on multiple levels. Can I be like the phoenix and resurrect from my ashes? The only problem is this ‘thing’ ensures that I am not completely broken and burnt to start afresh but merely dented and cracked such that only repair is possible and that the value keeps depreciating till one day I would be worth nothing. Am I moving to nothingness? I need an intervention of the divine kinds. Any answers?<br /><br />Confusedly yours,Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-72136164242486246302007-11-24T08:24:00.000-08:002007-11-24T08:30:23.964-08:00Hands!(dickens)utilitarianism................ now i understand the term.<br /><br />i comitted the biggest faux pas i tried googling myself in the belief that there wont be enough entries to cover my greatness. i unfortnately failed to realize i am a mere statistic in the world.<br /><br />the links attached to my name were my board roll numbers and scores, my entrance exam rankings. the places where i had applied and gotten in.<br /><br />ive been reduced to 6 digit number assigned to me years ago. awesome!<br /><br />i am a mere hand in this utilitarian world. i finally understand dickens hard times.<br /><br />hands....................... humph!Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-33425255554828495802007-11-18T21:03:00.000-08:002007-11-18T21:20:46.476-08:00a road tripso i went for a field trip with the family + 2.<br />it was interesting. we went to mewat to a village called Adbar Gaon.<br />dusty yet while there being mobbed by the children due to V's accent and J's obvious difference it wasnt that noticeable. today i suffer from the aftermath.<br /><br />alot of things happened met the children the old ladies, saman around 16 and sajjad around 10 were our guides.<br /><br />sajjad was one of the smartest 10yr old i have met. he explained to me the cropping system- winter=mustard, summer=jowar. they use the thrashed jowar hay as buffalo feed.<br />in his innocent worldliness he told me when new people come they become star attractions for the children of the village.- "bacchoan ki to rel lag jati hai"<br />saman was an enterprising budding teacher who taught urdu and even made one of her star pupils recite a poem to us.<br /><br />we became more than just star attractions with 40 kids surrounding us, trying out a comparitive study between my black hair and J's golden brown hair. she joked it off by calling them 'budding scientists'.i frankly was overwhelmed by the whole attention. i think i started of quite okay but towards the end i dont who was more shy the people i met or me. i guess fame makes me bashful. lol!!!<br /><br />we were treated to a feast of bajre ka roti and a dish made out of roti, jaggery and ghee. i loved it. J finally got some chicken and fish and you could see the happiness.it was funny, there were 6 vegetarians and 2 non-veggies and there were more dishes for the non-veggies than the veggies and yet we all left stuffed. so u can guess the lavish spread.<br /><br />enroute to mewat we stopped at bhondsi to visit the temple there. the peacocks, the beauty its extravagant. the priest there gave me a mustard oil based nose drops with peppermint, aloe vera, eucalyptus extracts all from the trees growing in bhondsi. it smelled alot like vicks and was the only reason i didnt go crazy with the pain in dusty mewat. it kept my headache under check and immediately opened my nose. ma joked that i smiled for the first time after getting some of that elixir in my nose.<br /><br />a very interesting day all in all.Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-59633197336891872652007-11-17T07:14:00.000-08:002007-11-17T07:34:17.856-08:00a head full of snot and a terrible achethats how i feel today.<br />after a week and half of return i thought u know what enough of sorry-ness lets go out.<br />so i tag along on running of errands as usual with no set agenda of my own just to try and buy a book that i want to study. as usual that doesnt get done but i spend the whole day outside doing a host of zillion other things.<br /><br />through out the day the pain kept shifting from the temples to the cheeks to behind the ears to the head. oh its awful. i HATE it. enough to try writing it off. breathing is a bother. cant i be like fish and have gills, why do I HAVE to HAVE such a complex respiratory system which is prone to respiratory ailments.<br /><br />i vehemently refuse to take antibiotics and drug myself. i tried it last time and well lo behold a week later here i am okay its much milder than last time but its dragged on twice as long. i tested and meds failed miserably once again. i'll prolly take some alternative medicine.<br /><br />but thats besides the point..... the point is why do us city dwellers have to face such unneccessary complications in trying to live their life -as if chasing their own tails in the rat race wasnt enough u have to make it tough for them to even breathe, get proper drinking water and unadulterated food to eat. ditch the rest why god <em>why </em>should u create so much misery for this poor student soul??<br />i neither evade taxes nor do i drive a polluting car nor am i cheating a good farmer out of his hyard earned income. i m poor li'll student who is trying to study and make something out of myself and so much pain is just too much to handle.<br /><br />i have half a mind of running and banging my head on the wall in the hope that literally splitting my head might make the splitting headache go.<br /><br />GO SCRAM bother someone who would finance the pharma companies to make pain killers and anti-biotics. why bother someone who wont take something stronger than a crocin and for whom tulsi is the panacea for all ills.<br /><br />mumble grumble life's unfair very majorly unfair. everyone is enjoying their holidays and u my dear enemy are playing spoilsport with mine.<br /><br />i refuse to cow down and submit to ure threats....... i shall overcome..... damn u!!!<br /><br />please go please go please go!!!!!<br /><br />disappointed and miserably ure'sAnonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-12381434147150193592007-11-15T08:42:00.001-08:002007-11-15T08:44:48.687-08:00interesting!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWqGS0ovSLqaGCdSTnV0Q0sFuInXWS09Kos9z-ix3BgKaWvmTN_jgij1LdgOzJKCXv9X0KwB7-lH3Wbsoi5Q1t2_QBUWWISZ9eNxFhdzUYapxCxVeaOihpq7P6KmXcABAgmUOvFQNRCTH2/s1600-h/dobedobedo.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5133108910728620882" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWqGS0ovSLqaGCdSTnV0Q0sFuInXWS09Kos9z-ix3BgKaWvmTN_jgij1LdgOzJKCXv9X0KwB7-lH3Wbsoi5Q1t2_QBUWWISZ9eNxFhdzUYapxCxVeaOihpq7P6KmXcABAgmUOvFQNRCTH2/s400/dobedobedo.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-10139586025300217052007-11-15T07:58:00.000-08:002007-11-15T08:15:59.437-08:00Introspection IIIwoah that was the biggest post by me............. i m proud.<br /><br />so lets put a conclusion to this tale-telling.<br /><br />i have to note that the last post ended just at the right time like in a movie the intermission comes only when the story takes a turn. hmm.......... enough gloating lets get back to business.<br /><br />so i return everyones done a bit of growing up. the trip back home has made everyone realise that things dont remain the same its a sad realisation and the sudden desperate need to grab on to everything old removes the familiar camaderie of the classroom as everyone is plunged in a collective gloom for the ones that went its that things have changed they have changed and for the ones that didnt go the home sickness kicked in.<br /><br />then we were all rudely awaked from our reveries by the approaching deadlines of the project. the article was condemned just near completion to go for the marathon project writing spree. from being one of the first to submit a project to being the last person in the line on the last day at 5:59 pm hurrying to submit. i had planned in such a way that the whole process was spread out.<br /><br />not a very smart strategy coz the stress and frustration just doubles. then the viva's the building of the STUDY GROUP. the coming to collg everyday parking ourselves under the tree and studying gurukul style. i lost my voice but i loved it. we each kept the pressure on each other. stayed up till late at night finished our portions. it was the end sem very hectic very tiring broke our backs on those chairs 16 hours a day. but the scooty breaks. discovering quaint roads. chocolate breaks for energy. the discipline of promising to reach by the first bus, knowing exactly when and how each admin employee came to college.<br /><br />finally the exams were over.................. birthday time. the best part. the three of us were gracious hosts. the boring turning interesting train trip home. the hugs and happy diwali at the station and finally the lazing around at home eating no more barbatti and dal. woohoo!<br /><br />a very interesting, a very enriching journey. it was a strenous, tiring no exhausting ride but worth every drop of blood and sweat.<br /><br />here's to 9 more of them.<br />cheers!<br /><br />over and out!Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-27675036268333151072007-11-15T06:34:00.000-08:002007-11-15T07:30:19.217-08:00Introspection-IIi just realised i finished a whole semester that should account for celebrations right?<br />and some nostalgia........ why so soon u may ask well only because next month this time new things will pre-occupy me and then all these images in my head wil turn sepia to blurry to simply non-existence and besides pictures i want to record some written ode's for posteirity.<br /><br />lets start at the beginning.............. i have a lot of free time and un interuppted access to the desktop tday woohoo!!!<br /><br />so 50 years record rainfall and i thought all that water in the fields was for growing paddy. ;-)<br />through the train i saw people catch zillions of tiny fishes in the water logged near the train tracks it made for good amusement for me and alot of worry for my dad. poor thing he was the only one who understood the gravity of the situation me and ma were more into soaking the atmosphere with ma reminiscicing about her project in the state.<br /><br />so we reach i expect a city or a quaint place like u see in uttarakhand okay so that about the extent of my travel in north india not saying i have travelled extensively in south india.<br />we reach a place where every second shop looks like a hardware shop with tyres hanging. those few hours i was freaking out........... majorly freaking out. i had heard it was trade city but that day seriously all i saw were black grubby tyres everywhere. i ve returned since to those roads but never have they felt as dismal as they felt that day.<br /><br />then proceeded the magnanimous effort of finding a place to park the luggage change and call as a temporary home till i am safely 'put' in the hostel. if i get into those details i will spend and entirety of a lifetime describing the comedy of errors so lets just skim the details roughly after alot of over hauling going up coming down lugging the suitcase here lugging it there spotting a few seniors having some ice- cream (they were in formals and even then i had guessed it wasnt the sort of place where the youth would randomly all congregate in black pants and coat in tow)<br />we found a place that seemed pretty central why there was a huge market bang in front so reaching the uni shouldnt be a daunting task.<br /><br />then we all bathed and simply flopped and slept. actually my parents slept while i secretly went nuts!!<br /><br />then a visit to the ATM to teach me the operations a rough rekky of the place and we were off to see the campus and get me registered. after being very thoroughly over charged we reached the place. my heart still pounding a thousand beats a minute. i finally breathed a sigh of relief when i entered the place and saw all the seniors coming in with their suitcases hugging their classmates and being generally very happy to be back. so i surmised such mass happiness cannot be a chimera. people exist here. normal looking students. no sight of a cycle tyre in sight. they all seem to be happy. everyone is independant no one has their parent lugging their luggage for them so face the facts ure in a university university. not a dress parade finally! i breathed a big sigh of relief and never felt that anxiety ever again.<br /><br />so that done the whole confusion of the admission done.<br />from being amongst the first to join the hostel, to that eventful first night of talking non-stop for hours i -oh man- was like a drunk person baring their soul. poor S oh and S lol!! dont want to be reminded of that stupidity. but we made very ambitious goals that night. its to be seen if we lived up to them or not.<br /><br />okay so i have got admitted in the uni and in the hostel. then is learning experience of getting ready in 20 min in a broken bathroom in formals and looking a dapper for the first day. i believe we did with a flourish and style that has yet to be matched. lol!<br /><br />so the first day introductions- ORIENTATION- the mess lines me blabbering on incessantly. i realized then that everywhere besides the stage if i get nervous i talk and talk and talk and mostly giberrish of the top of my head and very very fast.<br /><br />oh lets skip all that already my memory is a bit scanty that night the dinner me mistaking one of my favourite profs now for the outlook express editor. the apples falling speach. the awesome dinner. the only time when rain poured when i was happy so i could look up and say very caustically "pathetic fallacy again" humph!<br /><br />the making of new friends, the last night with my parents maybe i am confusing the order a bit. all i remember is when i was all happy and excited about law school i completely forgot about my parents and left them with a quick and cursory hug and a get out already!! my life's begin ive spent a long enough time with u guys ;-)<br />ADHD- naaaah! just excitement.<br /><br />okay so for the first month me and S would sit at our bench 3rd from the front in the 2 row from the right and would literally race to save it for ourselves. i dont remember clearly who picked it out me or her. well even fought some localites once for coming before the bus arrived and "stealing" our seats. with no words though we simply hifted them and pretended to be innocent of all foul play.;-)<br /><br />the first month was interesting, with visits to the library walking on foot to every place in raipur to know the city. and we did know the whole city like the back of our hands by the end of that month. we had eaten as a group in almost every place. the rikshaw accident- oh lord!!!!<br />the guys knew all their watering holes and paan walas. the classes were amazing, interactive and fun. we even listened with rapt attention to "in the ancient" but somewhere in "mediwall" the momentum was lost and by the "Arungeer and wilcox came" seats had got shifted there was the seperation into the cyber cafe the go between and the paathshala.<br /><br />by the second month we were part of the uni. making our own ruckus doing our thing. the trips to the library became fewer. lockers were acquired. my lappie arrived in grand style. the first evening spent on campus listening to debates. the seeds of romance were sown alot of change. good times.<br /><br />then was the 'enabling' of the "blue-toe" the ending of the midterms culminating in going back home for medical reasons. ooh i forgot we had the article writing thing and the moot thing which was immense fun filled us up with purpose and awe for some seniors.<br /><br />after the trip back home things changed............ i changed too. the class was alot more mature. like the changing in cards show a change in your fortune the shifting of places around the classroom changed its dynamics. i parked myself before the plug point.<br /> okay rest in next dinner time................................ hunger calling!Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-48545288264847713242007-11-14T23:57:00.000-08:002007-11-15T00:43:16.591-08:00Introspectioni had oppurtunity to read my old posts from before and all i can say is which world was i living in??<br /><br />those were sad times indeed but such different things affect me now.............. guess law school has made me grow into a different person. and all that 'Character Building' then has paid off.<br /><br />one feels so much at peace after clarifying things out and laughing on common jokes. me and the sis had a heart to heart. no more walking on egg shells. its so simple to sort things out its amazing. and there are some people who are up there in ure list and they go incommunicado sometimes (also due to my inability to keep up long distance communications) but its like riding a bike u dont forget. companiable silence is a prized thing with only a few in life and its worth preserving.<br /><br />being ill all these days has made me introspective..... cant sleep the whole day.... cant talk sound like a construction site (though it still is a pretty tough job shutting me up) i resorted to reading and thinking.<br />the oddest thing happened... nothing was working out and everything felt hopeless plus confined to the bed with fever isnt exactly pleasant resting experience so desperate times call for desperate measures thus i resorted to my all time favourite book for solace. and oddly a paragraph that i dont ever remember reading in my multiple readings i found that was exactly my thoughts in print.<br /><br />it was amazing i jumped out of bed grabbed a pencil marked the lines- that itself for me is a very extreme step as i hate mutilating my books but this was a miracle in short. then i grabbed my laptop and wrote till i felt better.<br /><br />it felt oddly ............... oh man miraculous it was like a message from the 19th century written just for me meant to be read only on that fated day on the fated fowl mood. lol!!! okay i may be having viral delirium but it seemed bloody fantastic at that time.<br /><br />to quote the MATRIX coincidence- providence more likely.<br /><br />it brightened my day made me realize that people are a bunch of idiots who u cant rely upon but BOOKS DONT FAIL... the next morning the rant sounds extremely childish and even mildly humourous but then writing was catharsis.<br /><br />a lot of things have happened since morning- eventful- feel better the flu is getting better.<br />calmer now with things being sorted out. feel light like i could fly if i just jumped of the ledge.<br /><br />and then i began the reading of my old posts and like always didnt fail to embarass myself. ah BOYZONE good lord!!!<br />daniel beddingfield i never liked him those must have been real dark days.<br /><br />i am happy......... i am home... i am happy at home woohoo!!<br />okay too many distractions cant keep single thread of thoughAnonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-77860878373368727922007-11-09T22:21:00.000-08:002007-11-09T22:42:59.565-08:00home againwho packs clean laundry while going home end semester ................ i do<br /><br />who gets random phone calls to check out blogs i do<br /><br />who has an adams family........... i do<br /><br />btw world happy diwali!<br /><br />so its been a whirlwind............. from my birthday on the train to diwali at home.............. i didnt expect ever to miss campus........... my flat so much.<br /><br />"i m having fun A just miss u alot, going to catch a movie tomorrow hows life going"- V<br /><br />well life officially is about cleaning alot of muck in my room and all that.<br /><br />sisters over, my mums intern is over its fun , crazy mad altogether.<br /><br />its diwali after a long time it was very bright but it over shadowed my birthday no fair out went all the big plans. but had my own little birthday party back in uni was fun! loads of fun............. havent slept properly since after that havent even seen the pics yet will do it tday.<br /><br />i wrote two poems last night, weird ones on my laptop and home i just needed something to do at midnight so iwrote. its fun.<br /><br />okay so today morning was weird........... very weird. embarrassing, awkward to say the least.<br />um......... so thats how putting your thought online can be embarrassing. hmm..........<br /><br />i still do it ............. y.................... because ... BECAUSe i am addicted .<br /><br />and because its my only anonynmous vent. i like it.Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-15972507040608097422007-09-30T21:57:00.000-07:002007-09-30T22:04:56.937-07:00mondays........so yesterday was eventful. first the amobitiousness of staying back home and studying. then the emotional dilemna leading to damning the plan and just going out for a good day out. then being caught with a jhadoo in my hand by my proff in the middle of the road. a degustation in the malls food court. hours of trying on clothes and finally buying the perrrfect wine coloured shirt. i have good taste thank you very much.<br /><br /><br />well it was mondo fun........... poor V bore with my while i turned the shop inside out driving the sales girl mad. but it was well needed retail therapy.<br /><br />i must have changed coz i condemned the very act but to my defense the trying out was more fun than buying.;-) lol! hate money leaving my palms.<br /><br />well thinking of for once paying attention in class........ byeAnonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-43901602781813228592007-09-27T23:10:00.000-07:002007-09-27T23:25:14.650-07:00need to writea deadline got extended dont have the pressure of the whole world on my shoulders any more, atlas didnt shrugg some one just helped him out and gave him a crane. and now i feel crummy, it could be the sudden lack of purpose...<br /><br />i am a sinal wave have phases of happy and sad sometimes within the same minute........ i may be getting bi-polar or maybe its just life.<br /><br /><br />life coming ahead is going to be crummy, bleak without any thing to look forward to till the day.<br />but i dont want to build it up and then get dissapointed because it didnt measure up. i do that alot. i need a break but dont have the time for it. and doing what will give me that one hour of letting go cum blanking out cum mindless senseless activity or inactivity. maybe dancing will help or talking to someone who'll get the feeling. or a movie or senseless behaviour.<br /><br />this is why i sometimes feel i need an addiction. but sadly nothing appeals. maybe i'll turn into a vandal but the aftermath guilt would be too much<br /> high for second is not worth that amount of remorse.<br /><br />i'll tell u why i write here, its an online journal i write very personally but i do it coz in my head uploading is like putting a question out there in the cosmos. it helps me . the knowing that its been sent as a prayer ............ i dont wait for an answer the release is enough.Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-6674379659391668992007-08-08T02:53:00.000-07:002007-08-08T03:00:33.263-07:00epiphanyi realized what ive been wanting to do............... what i really want to do right now...............<br /><br />i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.<br /><br /><br />i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.<br /><br />i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.<br /><br />the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.<br /><br />since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.<br />i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-39433744079516746092007-08-08T02:21:00.001-07:002007-08-08T02:40:06.875-07:00nothingnessi am in a haze today.................. finished with my first set of tests in a place ive always wanted to be law school............... i am not happy not relieved just in a haze.<br /><br />my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.<br /><br />i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!<br /><br />i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.<br />i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.<br /><br /><br />i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.<br /><br />i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.<br /><br />i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.<br /><br />i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............<br /><br />and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .<br />complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-27188977563351799812007-06-17T03:22:00.000-07:002007-06-17T03:36:48.379-07:00therapeuticits therapeutic to vent out....................... so here it is.<br /><br />finally cleared my phone of all the pictures and downloaded them on the laptop.........opened a flickr account will upload them later on.<br /><br />changed the music too........... felt like a complete change.......... put in<br /><br /><ol> <li>boyzone- words</li> <li>chalte chalte- kishore kumar(kk)</li> <li>chookar mere man ko- kk</li> <li>counting crows- big yellow cab</li> <li>counting crows-mr.jones</li> <li>daniel beddingfield- gotta get thru this</li> <li>darius-rushes</li> <li>dido- white flag</li> <li>ik ladki bheegi- kk</li> <li>i'm with u - avril lavigne</li> <li>musafir hooon-kk</li> <li>my sacrifice-</li> <li>i m like a bird- nelly furtado</li> <li>raatkali-kk</li> <li>roop tera-kk</li> <li>that 70's show title song</li> <li>here i am- bryan adams</li> <li>teri deewani- kailash kher</li> <li>all that she wants-ace of base</li> <li>where is the love- BEP</li> <li>light my fire-doors</li> </ol> should clean my room.................. my tables a mess!<br />i m bored............... poised for action.......... here i go again..............<br />nope will not continue this sob fest.............. see u sometime later.<br />goodbyeAnonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8126220050576081804.post-71032299458588285382007-06-17T03:04:00.000-07:002007-06-17T03:21:01.034-07:00transitionsa transition period for me.<br />i dunno what will happen and that requires immense patience.<br />i m waiting for a final conclusion.<br />while doing that i was listening to michael buble<br />-everything<br />-home<br />-mrs.jones<br />-save the last dance for me<br /><br /><br />norah jones<br />-sunrise<br />-come away with me<br />|<br />|<br />|<br />the whole album<br /><br />counting crows- big yellow cab<br />daniel beding field- gonna get thru this<br />kishore kumar<br />bryan adams<br /><br />why am i boring u with these inane details bcoz prolly u get bored by everything else also and i didnt want to go too long without writing and well <span style="font-style: italic;">i </span>have <span style="font-style: italic;">nothing </span>to write about.<br /><br />in a metaphysical limbo..................... cant do anything becoz i dont know where i'll be in a week from now. very difficult being cheerfull at a time like this. more like being on death row.<br />but atleast then i'd know if nothing else i'll die.<br /><br />conversely if nothing else i'll continue living now.............. hmm........ not living existing till i find a purpose then i'll thrive.<br /><br />i joked today............... i have all the tools and the advice to tackle life. it only has to start. i ve done the jumping................ ive done my part and am approaching it. does it catch me or will it let me crash and burn???<br /><br />well well i did need to write after all........ confused, yet know exactly what i want, aimless yet can see my goal clearly.... ambivalent ...... thats what my life is now ambivalent......... wishy washy.........neither here nor there...........squiggly............crossroads with billions of crisscrossing paths.<br /><br />if this is what builds character................... i'd like to be character-<span style="font-style: italic;">less </span>thank u very much!<br />will it be too dramatic to shout out "<span style="font-style: italic;">why god why??" </span>or maybe even a <span style="font-style: italic;">"hello! god remember me??"<br /><br />transitions..........</span> transitionary phase........ movement........... well i m motion sick!<br />over and out!Anonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06337711188288446130noreply@blogger.com0