Hey there, it’s been days and everytime I enter the kitchen I enter with a purpose to fill u in. I am facing a writers block of a different kind… too many things to write about so I decided lets make a start today because keeping it bottled up is getting unbearable.
Everything is different random threads that all combine together to form a firmly lodged chip on my shoulder. Bear with the incongruousness and the incomprehensibility of it all.
There is this bill board that I see every morning, of a boy transitioning from merely standing to leaping… its hilarious, the sheer stupidity of the board entertains me every morning. The champu guy, the horrible chequered shirt the awful grey pants. The message its supposed to represent, taking the CAT with their helpful coaching of course will jumpstart your life take you places you’ve never been before. I keep wondering if the clothes that that very realistic model is wearing are branded or not as if that would be the final hit on the nail. I don’t know what the point I am driving at is or maybe I know but just can’t say due to the whole incorrectness of it all.
Attrition: everything that was me…. See I used ‘was’ and not ‘is’. Is fading…. I am undergoing attrition, my personality is more likely. Did I ever peg myself as desperate, now I am… I have this fantastic notion of ranting on end to this person about nothing and everything that even notionally bothers me. I am a lot bothered these days so my fantastic friends bear the brunt of terribly pseudo conversations on life, love, labour, where I am going why I don’t want to think about where I am going. All my life if I came to the realisation that I did not have an answer for what next I would lock jamb till I reasoned, thought, argued, sought advise and finally figured out what the answer was. The first thing I did subconsciously on coming here is disable that prompt. Stop thinking what next because it could no longer be ascertained, fine I tried planning semesters that failed gloriously, then it narrowed down to months, weeks, days and now hours. What will I be doing in the next hour? If I have an answer to that it’s an accomplishment. I am thoroughly lost in myself with these very perturbing thoughts perennially plaguing me. I am nervous that if I lose myself what am I left with and paradoxically I need to give in a little to do… just simply DO.
I cannot conform to the rules of this place yet I don’t intrinsically agree to rebel. I have started hating these words more than you can imagine, their meaning is now forever tagged with things that I don’t like discussing even in my head.
The need for an addiction rises everyday… blissful oblivion….. Yet that is the one thing I will never acquire. It is a firm, etched in Rosetta stone fact, it’s my foundation. If that cracks I crumble never to resurrect. I read a beautiful line in some blog the other day the beggars would rather resort to buying marijuana than food because they will never have enough to satisfy the hunger but they have enough to forget that they ever were hungry. I want to forget my hunger like that. I tried substituting mental hunger with real physical hunger it made me sick, I doubled up with pain for a whole night never to try it again. But it helped me get rid of certain unnecessary habits. I am perpetually haunted by this image, I am trying to measure up to this ideal which isn’t an ideal and neither is it perfection in my head. Yet I try continuously to measure up.
I am bothered by this heat; either I am not used to heat through out the year- the more plausible one. Or I am not used to this kind of heat. Scalding hot giving no respite, burning in its fury, I hate it. Where did the winter go did I blink just when it came? Seasons guide my perception of time. I feel more in a different time sphere everyday. I wish I could draw or cartoon, I’d make a hero working and living in different parallel spheres of time. A different life a different story in each time.
I have both paucity of time and paucity of things to do. I fill up my schedule only to feel completely utterly lost, purposeless. I say grand things they sound hollow. I question before I can assert weakening my own point. I am becoming more and more unsure everyday to my chagrin. The only time I make a point is when I shouldn’t. I am afraid of making my opinions known but they come out as a reflex. I don’t bother about what people think yet to verify that I ask other people. I am unstable, with no one in my corner. No that’s not true I have absolute sweethearts in my corner. But everyday, anyone I meet will never fail to remind me that it doesn’t last… friendships don’t last, same sex and friends- NEVER. As if getting a boyfriend is the solution of it all. How and when did people substitute friendship for companionship I don’t know, there is a fine line I agree but a distinction exists. Yet I am buying their arguments because contradicting them is tiring me, its me against the majority, I am failing miserably, my shouts have become squeaks. I doubt my own premise now. My opponents don’t speak very eloquent language but they are training to be lawyers and are not so easy to be brainwashed. They’d rather sell a man a suicide plan than admit that the opponent could be right.
This insecurity has crept in my every action my every thought and it’s like I am seeing myself fall flat on my face in slow motion. Today I wrote to someone, life here is fast, exciting, hectic, supersonic and its great fun till I lose balance and then the tangential force would be so strong it will throw me far away from the sphere of life. Abandoned, homeless.
Things change too fast for me to like. Relationships are changing some are returning back to normal. There is no permanency besides the claustrophobia which is all pervasive, strangulating all. Everywhere I see people I don’t want to see and can’t see people I want to see. The irrelevants blocking out the relevant in life, in everything. I wish I could just talk to the handful whom I would like to continue talking to and some who I’d like to know more about and remove the ogling, brain-dead, oxygen stealing nincompoops.
STOP! Something small trivial yet essential to existence is bothering me and I can’t put my finger on it. I need a thought niffler to search out the real gold coin from the rest of the leprechaun gold coins. What is the real issue? all these problems are just the tip of the iceberg and I don’t possess neither the clarity of thought nor the objectivity to reach the real issue. That is why I wander aimlessly hoping against hope hopen for such a saviour.
But that search has become an all out desperate call for help. What is real? What is normal? To question in the comfort of a grounding is different the same done on unfamiliar grounds shakes you to the core leaving you befuddled and torn. Am I being too melodramatic? Maybe I need some drama in my life? But how much more, I am the lead in a film I never gave consent to act in, but being me was a tacit consent it seems. I am getting sucked into this whirlpool which I don’t know where it will take me. The currents are strong and I am getting tired fighting it. But where does it lead? The question no longer is how long can I resist but I guess where will it take me and will I be able to survive? This compromise sickens me…. I have fallen from grace on multiple levels. Can I be like the phoenix and resurrect from my ashes? The only problem is this ‘thing’ ensures that I am not completely broken and burnt to start afresh but merely dented and cracked such that only repair is possible and that the value keeps depreciating till one day I would be worth nothing. Am I moving to nothingness? I need an intervention of the divine kinds. Any answers?
Confusedly yours,
