I remember when I started the blog, as I read through it, I recall some of what I was writing about, some I just cant remember, but those were the important things for me then. Worth putting it out here, hoping for someone to give me a solution, show me a way..... and a couple of years down the line I am straining to remember what it was.
Life has changed so much, in a moment of extreme narcissism I googled myself, and then out of the blue recalled I had a blog and wanted to re-acquaint myself with me of yesteryear. I enjoyed the trip, cant say down the memory lane because I just realised ...MEMORY FADES...I wont remember all these inner turmoils and small things when I am sixty, strangely I'll remember a grossly edited version of my life. Edited by my subconscious to include god-knows-what.
Maybe Ma was right, the memories that seem so vivid years later could be just figments of my imagination, things I wish to believe in. Have you ever felt this? Its surreal. I should say though, I sound smarter than I am today. I think I am growing up stupid. I was born pretty smart.
I write so poignantly of heartache, and while it makes for an interesting read, I cant remember any of it. How transitory is life, What is REALLY important? Its a humbling realisation, a resounding, THIS TOO SHALL PASS from the Universe. And the happiest thing is I wont remember this despondency, this feeling of nothingness. My brain will auto erase, or worse like in 1984 am I rewriting the past to keep up with my future. My subconscious Big Brother... shudder! At a time when the future seems so stagnant its amusing to think of my past as constantly evolving and changing and moving forward.
"The past not only changed, but it changed continuously" (George Orwell)
Glad one of us is....
what has happened in these two years, well the first year I became a kid again and in the second year I was rudely thrust into adulthood. I am still reeling from the whiplash the change caused, and now that I have some time to sit and lick my wounds, I am stuck in a dark place unable to escape a sort of limbo, Limbo between will and needs, between desires and capability. I wish I was born a dog. Give Love Receive Love. Eat.. Play.. Sleep. A dog is intelligent when it obeys. I wish I could just obey. life would be so much simpler. I would be vastly successful, and be the fat-est, proudest, Rat in the Race. Instead I decided to be a shepherd, A shepherd who currently doesnt know where she's going and has lost all her lambs. Its a lonely place, but have heart two years from, none of this will mean squat, they'll be other problems then, Other lives to live then. And this life, this one, would not exist, even in your own mind.