epiphany

i realized what ive been wanting to do............... what i really want to do right now...............

i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.


i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.

i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.

the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.

since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.
i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.

nothingness

i am in a haze today.................. finished with my first set of tests in a place ive always wanted to be law school............... i am not happy not relieved just in a haze.

my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.

i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!

i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.
i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.


i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.

i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.

i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.

i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............

and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .
complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!

therapeutic

its therapeutic to vent out....................... so here it is.

finally cleared my phone of all the pictures and downloaded them on the laptop.........opened a flickr account will upload them later on.

changed the music too........... felt like a complete change.......... put in

1. boyzone- words
2. chalte chalte- kishore kumar(kk)
3. chookar mere man ko- kk
4. counting crows- big yellow cab
5. counting crows-mr.jones
6. daniel beddingfield- gotta get thru this
7. darius-rushes
8. dido- white flag
9. ik ladki bheegi- kk
10. i'm with u - avril lavigne
11. musafir hooon-kk
12. my sacrifice-
13. i m like a bird- nelly furtado
14. raatkali-kk
15. roop tera-kk
16. that 70's show title song
17. here i am- bryan adams
18. teri deewani- kailash kher
19. all that she wants-ace of base
20. where is the love- BEP
21. light my fire-doors

should clean my room.................. my tables a mess!
i m bored............... poised for action.......... here i go again..............
nope will not continue this sob fest.............. see u sometime later.
goodbye

transitions

a transition period for me.
i dunno what will happen and that requires immense patience.
i m waiting for a final conclusion.
while doing that i was listening to michael buble
-everything
-home
-mrs.jones
-save the last dance for me


norah jones
-sunrise
-come away with me
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|
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the whole album

counting crows- big yellow cab
daniel beding field- gonna get thru this
kishore kumar
bryan adams

why am i boring u with these inane details bcoz prolly u get bored by everything else also and i didnt want to go too long without writing and well i have nothing to write about.

in a metaphysical limbo..................... cant do anything becoz i dont know where i'll be in a week from now. very difficult being cheerfull at a time like this. more like being on death row.
but atleast then i'd know if nothing else i'll die.

conversely if nothing else i'll continue living now.............. hmm........ not living existing till i find a purpose then i'll thrive.

i joked today............... i have all the tools and the advice to tackle life. it only has to start. i ve done the jumping................ ive done my part and am approaching it. does it catch me or will it let me crash and burn???

well well i did need to write after all........ confused, yet know exactly what i want, aimless yet can see my goal clearly.... ambivalent ...... thats what my life is now ambivalent......... wishy washy.........neither here nor there...........squiggly............crossroads with billions of crisscrossing paths.

if this is what builds character................... i'd like to be character-less thank u very much!
will it be too dramatic to shout out "why god why??" or maybe even a "hello! god remember me??"

transitions.......... transitionary phase........ movement........... well i m motion sick!
over and out!

crazy things parents do.

ever reached ure exam centre and seen parents all around u better versed with your syllabi than ureself?

ever come out of one only to be thoroughly "interrogated" by some parent u dont even know just coz their kid hasnt come out yet and they want to "predict" how his/her exam would have gone.

well been giving alot of exams this past week and seriously if you leave the nervousness of giving the exam ureself aside its a pretty interesting atmosphere to absorb. so this is what my ma and i do, chills me out and gives me a few laughs(and pointers) before an exam, we watch everyone around us.

i've seen everything from teenagers hanging out with their friends and catching on the lates gossip without caring less about the exam or its prep, to hyper active kids rattling off god knows what not trivia and getting proud smiles from their parents.

one girl was very well dressed looked ready to hand over her pencil box and partayy! with eye liner, lipstick , open hair , trendy clothes the works . she was standing with her parents. well her father was one of those over ambitious for my children types and kept "refreshing" her math formulas and GK trivia and generally giving her pointers on everything. i was overhearing rather enviously wondering how come my daddy doesnt ever teach me how to solve questions of boats moving upstream and downstream.(i sure could use all the help i get) so i turned to ma to give her one of my looks and she sniggered. so i asked why..... and then i noticed the poor girls expression, she couldnt care less and her fathers repeated "refreshing" was making her terribly nervous.she kept fidgeting and hinting that she really should go nearer to the gate, and so they did father daughter all. ;-)

the other category is the outstation parents with their children. the fathers speaking rather hollering into their cellphones poised near their mouths rapidly moving to and fro from their mouth and ear."hum dilli main hain baad me phone karenge" well that and various variations of it in different accents. with very festive ringtones on full blasts.
the children with their parents standing right in front of the gate usually doing some last minute revision from a thick book with their mums looking on dotingly. as soon as someone resembling a guard would come near the gate thinking they were going to be opened the kids would dive towards their parents feet for a final blessing and many times it would be just the guard getting his 15 minutes of fame, brandishing his stick in a crisp uniform donning sunglasses (it is the scorching summer u know) showing off, that he controls the entry to our future. due the many bogus calls, it would be around the 8th or 10th time that he would really open the gates. well resulting in those lucky ones in getting blessed 8 times before an exam. no wonder they are so thing( great ab work out) and feeling very confident coz unke pas ma ka ashirvaad hai.

and then they are people like me, who were erstwhile nervous wrecks before exams but now due to extensive counselling dont even get the good nervousness that is normal before an exam and usually is standing at the centre looking and everyone else, living in my own universe where everyone else sucks and i m the queen of the world.

well whether all the looking and getting secondhand pointers really helped me or not i dont know, the results are yet to come out but i do feel confident and feel ive done well. but whether or not im thru i thank god i dont have parents who block other kids ways preventing them from entering the exam hall coz they want to make sure their kid gets in alright creating a mighty ruckus, or one of those who stand holding the railings of the gates as if they were in prison and undergo the vilest pain when their ward gives and exam, or one of those who tutors me and will ask me to immediately vomit out all my answers to estimate how i;ve done.

thank god ive got normal parents who well the maximum they do if there in town is to drop me off at my centre, kiss me luck on my forehead and meet me back in the car after the exam and ask whether i m hungry.

my dad though has a tendency to get a little crazy so he no longer comes, my mom has a principle each one taking responsibility of their own life so no major interferences atleast never during the exam time, i want to score i will study and well it is my exam and she can do nothing really about it.

but i guess each person has their own idiosyncrasies, i refuse to enter without my goodluck kiss and even though i may not lunge for my mums feet i do keep bending my forehead for a kiss, very embarassing but i works wonders. so as a chronicler of life i am completely biased and snooty but hey i am sure one look at me and u'll never guess!

love
anon

my nemesis Error Win 32

do u know who Error Win 32 is??
i bet even the microsoft guys dont know.

its this sadistic, monster in my comp, not a virus not a system error, it calls itself smugly Error Win32 and it hates me using my internet.
my parents never controlled my internet usage, Win32 does it for them. it even goes a step ahead it curtails their net usage as well.

still doesnt ring a bell let me explain. i m online, in between urgent research for a paper or writing a real long mail or trying to fill out my profile for my blog and what happens right in the middle of my work. when half the mail has been typed but only a quater has been saved as a draft. this error white box with a blue header pops and ruins the whole thing. it very innocently tells me error win 32 has occured and the thing i was working on may be lost.

then what, i can chat for as long as i want, and that will continue as normal but try saving a mail or even signing out and the operation TIMES OUT.

the only cure i found for it is to shut down and start again. no antivirus worked coz it isnt a virus, umpteen defragmentations didnt work. now i am at my wits end. suprisingly it hasnt interrupted me yet. maybe its a publicity loving, limelight hoggin error that is gloating over the power it has over me that i write a whole essay on it.

is there anyone in the world who shares my pain and even....knows a cure?

truly venting out! a crappy day!

this is not how i wanted to start, but SERIOUSLY where is common sense in people. by defination its supposed to be well........ common. arrgh!why does every body not use their own brain and save alot of trouble. mostly we tend to follow the crowd, making rumour mongerers sooo happy. today i realised how simple it is to change mass opinion.
this is the modus operandi
AIM: to create alot of misinformation.
POA: catch a message carrier usually gullible, sweet, naive and ofcourse social.

Step 1. send a desperate SMS, e-mail , or plain and simple make a frantic call, i heard from so and so about this and that and YOU KNOW WHAT we've got it all wrong SHE SAY's, HE SAY's blah blah blah. and then the deadly words please can u call and CONFIRM. ( why dont u do that ureself eh??)

Step 2. the nice gullible person X gets worried, ponders on the issue gets worried some more and well informs everyone on his/her contact list.
Step 3. ppl get worried make frantic calls to each other but still no one does anything, only precipitate the issue by informing more people and adding further eyes and ears to the matter.

Step 4. some idiot like me who hates keeping matters dangling tries to reassure people, "everythings fine just a misunderstanding" but of course no one believes so I try to get in touch with the concerned authorities, I clarify the issue and I have to explain the same thing to half dozen odd people who will keep asking the same questions but will never listen to its logical answer.

oooof!!
what i am left with is a hoarse voice, a depleted phone balance and well no gratitude nothing zilch, nada , nothing.