epiphany

i realized what ive been wanting to do............... what i really want to do right now...............

i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.


i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.

i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.

the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.

since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.
i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.

nothingness

i am in a haze today.................. finished with my first set of tests in a place ive always wanted to be law school............... i am not happy not relieved just in a haze.

my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.

i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!

i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.
i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.


i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.

i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.

i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.

i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............

and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .
complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!