Ghar Wapsi

 This blog was created to channelise the angst of post teen- early twenty something, figuring herself and life out.

It was an easy decision, one day i was subject of a blog post, next day i wanted to be an author of one. But it had to exist anonymously. No one was supposed to actually read it. 

Before social media, it was the way to interact with the world, not with pictures of food, life, dance or reels on all of the above, but with your words, thoughts and expressions. But like i am today, i didnt want people to know these thoughts were mine. 

It was cathartic to write and post in the wide vast world.

I think its time to return and share about the loves of my life and their stories. This place was meant for the tales to be told and its time to revive that. 

Ages gone by....

Two years!
I remember when I started the blog, as I read through it, I recall some of what I was writing about, some I just cant remember, but those were the important things for me then. Worth putting it out here, hoping for someone to give me a solution, show me a way..... and a couple of years down the line I am straining to remember what it was.

Life has changed so much, in a moment of extreme narcissism I googled myself, and then out of the blue recalled I had a blog and wanted to re-acquaint myself with me of yesteryear. I enjoyed the trip, cant say down the memory lane because I just realised ...MEMORY FADES...I wont remember all these inner turmoils and small things when I am sixty, strangely I'll remember a grossly edited version of my life. Edited by my subconscious to include god-knows-what.

Maybe Ma was right, the memories that seem so vivid years later could be just figments of my imagination, things I wish to believe in. Have you ever felt this? Its surreal. I should say though, I sound smarter than I am today. I think I am growing up stupid. I was born pretty smart.

I write so poignantly of heartache, and while it makes for an interesting read, I cant remember any of it. How transitory is life, What is REALLY important? Its a humbling realisation, a resounding, THIS TOO SHALL PASS from the Universe. And the happiest thing is I wont remember this despondency, this feeling of nothingness. My brain will auto erase, or worse like in 1984 am I rewriting the past to keep up with my future. My subconscious Big Brother... shudder! At a time when the future seems so stagnant its amusing to think of my past as constantly evolving and changing and moving forward.

 "The past not only changed, but it changed continuously" (George Orwell)

Glad one of us is....

what has happened in these two years, well the first year I became a kid again and in the second year I was rudely thrust into adulthood. I am still reeling from the whiplash the change caused, and now that I have some time to sit and lick my wounds, I am stuck in a dark place unable to escape a sort of limbo, Limbo between will and needs, between desires and capability. I wish I was born a dog. Give Love Receive Love. Eat.. Play.. Sleep. A dog is intelligent when it obeys. I wish I could just obey. life would be so much simpler. I would be vastly successful, and be the fat-est, proudest, Rat in the Race. Instead I decided to be a shepherd, A shepherd who currently doesnt know where she's going and has lost all her lambs. Its a lonely place, but have heart two years from, none of this will mean squat, they'll be other problems then, Other lives to live then. And this life, this one, would not exist, even in your own mind.   

Back Home

Dear you,

This past week has been an experience.... in a lot of ways. The new places, new sights, sounds, people, food, cultures all was alot to take in and was fun. The strangest thing was how the past never leaves you and creeps up on you in the most unexpected of manners. I always thought that if you traveled far away you can leave your past behind. but in this maze of time and matter fragments of our past often travel ahead of us and meet us in the future. Both London and Oxford had that connection in either people or places or activities. Both at times brought back the familiar muddle of emotions and feelings and thoughts which has been erased from your mind by time and gets suddenly refreshed totally out of context in some literally foreign place.

Oddly also, i never felt like i was in a foreign place in any of the legs of my trip. it was a very comfortable and cozy trip. i felt at peace in discovering the new places. it almost became a metaphor to me discovering myself and through that my peace of mind. I havent been soul searching for a while and the new place provided the impetus to do it and thankfully at a right time.

As is normal, somethings came to an end, new dreams were born, old ones refueled, some relationships became stronger, some stayed the same.... it was just 10 days of my life but it felt like a lifetime somedays and somedays as short as a blink of an eye. i'll carry the memories very close to my heart for long time to come.

to hopefully many more such times to come... cheers!

best,

A

Heartbreak Warfare

Everything takes time to heal, a sprain a few days, a muscle pull a week, a broken bone, few weeks, but the damned broken heart takes too long. How long will I hide behind the farce of a phobia when I always fall head first into love and then figure out the repercussions. The good part of being in love with an idea of a person is that you get those snatches happiness, that you don’t rationalise, that you don’t submit to reason, those crazy moments of pure bliss. When you know you had a good time. The sorry kind of love I preach is one in which I have no expectations from the other person to meet my expectations yet I’ll have some and eagerly wait for them to be met. Every nice gesture becomes memorable, do I get lead on.... yes alot but not with my eyes closed, oh no, I get played very well knowing I am getting played and thinking that I am too smart to get burned and then I crash and burn and ache all over.

This heartache that clouds my mind, holds firm grip on my emotions that keeps me perpetually on sad standby, I want it gone. Time is the healer of all wounds but for the first time I want to rebound from a no relationship, get into a relationship because I want to get over this guy. But who am I kidding, I am no stud, I’ll never be able to that, chances are I’ll fall in love with the bugger of a rebound and be writing woefully about him next.

God, wherever you are.... zandu balm for the heart is required.

i've realised i have a tendency, to be stand offish, to be verbose and wish i was more guarded, to be guarded and wish i had said more, to be self sacrificial, to always long for the impossible.. not in the ambitious sort of way, but in the setting yourself up for heart ache sort of way.

i've also realised i've known of these tendencies for long and i wear them as a proud badge on my collar.

but its these tendencies that give me the routine wallow in sorrow time which i hate-need occasionally.

a public declaration of the tendency/-ies is not helping. i continue stubbornly along the vicious cycle of emotional masochism.

bleh!

flowing

time flows, its been a year, however all the places i still frequent inevitably lead me to draw parallels and so much has always changed. its moments like this that make you realise that life moves on and you however unperceptibly change alongwith it.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy..

So I saw a copy of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy today in class, and well might have gone into embarrassing raptures. See the person in whose possession the book was, wasn’t as excited about the book as I was getting and well the pitch in my voice was rising, sadly it wasn’t as well taken by the other party…..
Why I get so excited about it is because its one of my favourite books in the whole world. Its my guide to life sort of, everytime I am pissed, down in the dumps, bored, need inspiration I read bits of the book and without fail it makes me cry with laughter. And somehow, something I read, few lines, a passage, anything will jump at me and make me feel alright about life.

Lets try, I’ve been wondering of late exactly where my life is going, I am halfway through my education, at an important age and stage in life, however I feel somehow I am losing all the theads of control and its disconcerting to say the least.
What did I come across that appealed to me when I grabbed the book of that fellows hand:
“Ford”, he said suddenly, “look, if that Question is printed in my brain wave patterns but I am not consciously aware of it must be somewhere in unconscious.”
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“There might be a way of bringing that unconscious pattern forward.”
“Oh, Yes?”
“Yes, by introducing some random element that can be shaped by that pattern.”

Its not the funniest line or the one that is most profound. But it hit me and all felt solvable. For people who have read the book they know what the Question embedded in his brain was. Its my towel, its my comfort book. Have I said already I love it. Its one of those books that I like keep going back to. The language, the way sentences are framed, the way he writes, what he writes, I can go on all day. I get embarrassingly sugary and sickening. I’ll end the gush here.

To Douglas Adams, Cheers! And Sir, I love you.

Another event today, this really successful person in my field came and delivered a lecture on this really technical and specific area. It was awesome, nice to hear normal English being spoken, it was comforting to be witness to effective communication. But somewhere whatever he was saying felt like another language altogether, sps, fta, chapeau, I sure would have loved a Babel Fish in my ear. ;)

You, sir, thank you for coming and making me aware of a whole new field out there. I have to say, though, that you caused a major rant spree yesterday. What if when I pass out and finally get around to being around people who speak like you, I have lost all command over the language and say stupid things like, “yeah I heard you wish from the Backside”, instead of ‘Behind’.

The perpetual struggle of changing with the times without losing who you are. If you only figure out who you are as you grow older, should you really feel afraid of becoming somebody else. I possibly am still the only 20…gosh! 21 year old who has teenage issues. Divine intervention anytime is always welcome. I am waving my towel around, any ship wish to pick me up?