so yesterday was eventful. first the amobitiousness of staying back home and studying. then the emotional dilemna leading to damning the plan and just going out for a good day out. then being caught with a jhadoo in my hand by my proff in the middle of the road. a degustation in the malls food court. hours of trying on clothes and finally buying the perrrfect wine coloured shirt. i have good taste thank you very much.
well it was mondo fun........... poor V bore with my while i turned the shop inside out driving the sales girl mad. but it was well needed retail therapy.
i must have changed coz i condemned the very act but to my defense the trying out was more fun than buying.;-) lol! hate money leaving my palms.
well thinking of for once paying attention in class........ bye
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
need to write
a deadline got extended dont have the pressure of the whole world on my shoulders any more, atlas didnt shrugg some one just helped him out and gave him a crane. and now i feel crummy, it could be the sudden lack of purpose...
i am a sinal wave have phases of happy and sad sometimes within the same minute........ i may be getting bi-polar or maybe its just life.
life coming ahead is going to be crummy, bleak without any thing to look forward to till the day.
but i dont want to build it up and then get dissapointed because it didnt measure up. i do that alot. i need a break but dont have the time for it. and doing what will give me that one hour of letting go cum blanking out cum mindless senseless activity or inactivity. maybe dancing will help or talking to someone who'll get the feeling. or a movie or senseless behaviour.
this is why i sometimes feel i need an addiction. but sadly nothing appeals. maybe i'll turn into a vandal but the aftermath guilt would be too much
high for second is not worth that amount of remorse.
i'll tell u why i write here, its an online journal i write very personally but i do it coz in my head uploading is like putting a question out there in the cosmos. it helps me . the knowing that its been sent as a prayer ............ i dont wait for an answer the release is enough.
i am a sinal wave have phases of happy and sad sometimes within the same minute........ i may be getting bi-polar or maybe its just life.
life coming ahead is going to be crummy, bleak without any thing to look forward to till the day.
but i dont want to build it up and then get dissapointed because it didnt measure up. i do that alot. i need a break but dont have the time for it. and doing what will give me that one hour of letting go cum blanking out cum mindless senseless activity or inactivity. maybe dancing will help or talking to someone who'll get the feeling. or a movie or senseless behaviour.
this is why i sometimes feel i need an addiction. but sadly nothing appeals. maybe i'll turn into a vandal but the aftermath guilt would be too much
high for second is not worth that amount of remorse.
i'll tell u why i write here, its an online journal i write very personally but i do it coz in my head uploading is like putting a question out there in the cosmos. it helps me . the knowing that its been sent as a prayer ............ i dont wait for an answer the release is enough.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
epiphany
i realized what ive been wanting to do............... what i really want to do right now...............
i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.
i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.
i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.
the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.
since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.
i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.
i want to fight........... using my hands feet , nails every muscle in my body i want to push some one who wont get easily pushed. i want to "tussle" thats the word that keeps popping in my head.
i want to fight till i am spent completely exhausted and then i want to lie down and sleep......... contended sleep.
i want to feel physical exhaustion the feeling when ure throat is parched and the back of ure eyelids burn and muscles u didnt know existed hurt. i want to feel a sense of accomplishment........ of the tiredness that comes from physical labour.
the satisfaction of then finding a soft bed to rest the limbs in. i want to remember that feeling. i want a punching bag.
since we are talking about what i want........ i want to be able to tire my mind out duelling with someone through thoughts and words and not a single physical action not even gesturing of hands.
i want to be able to belong feel at home somewhere with people as pseudo as me.
nothingness
i am in a haze today.................. finished with my first set of tests in a place ive always wanted to be law school............... i am not happy not relieved just in a haze.
my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.
i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!
i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.
i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.
i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.
i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.
i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.
i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............
and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .
complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!
my mind feels fuzzy........ i feel sleepy but am wide awake......... the day feels like a graph with high points and low points and i feel like a mutual fund being balanced by my surroundings. i am hoping i'll give returns in the positive.
i was just rudely pulled back into reality........... a click.......... exams over its reporting time............. yyyes sir! a hapless yes sir we are all working today........... not!!
i am a sad soul you know......... it would have been better if i didnt have such a clear notion of what i want to with life............ i just want a week of abandon..........with people my age in an unknown place........new experiences........ new place.......... a week of nothing familiar.nothing i will ever see again......... the randomness the anonynmity of it all allures me.
i am changing........... i want a week of no structure of no thoughts yet all the freedom and space to do it....... a week of no diplomacy............... a week of letting go....... letting my hair down.......living larger than life on a shoe string budget.
i think thats why i crave an addiction......... some form of non-conforming............. a rebellion against my tyranny on myself.i want a day of senselessness............... drivel...... crap talking with someone who doesnt do it everyday.... for whom the crap talking is as new and exhilarating as it is for me.
i want a hug........... from someone i love........i either want a glimpse of my old life or i want to break all ties and go crazy.
i m getting stir crazy......... and desperate........... i was used to life moving at a pace faster than me always........used to feeling the pulse of the city......... hearing the hearts beat everytime i stepped outside.......... now i have a purpose , my heart beats.......... but i dont hear the familiar hum anymore......... its in isolation with a few kindred sould along with me.
i want to live vicariously........... i want to do something wild..............
and with all these thoughts in my head i feel fuzzy........... i sit in a blue chair.......... and feel like a pig .
complete inactivity................ i am going stir crazy.......... i cant seem to keep a structure to my thoughts today.........i wrote because yesterday i wanted to........life save me!!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
therapeutic
its therapeutic to vent out....................... so here it is.
finally cleared my phone of all the pictures and downloaded them on the laptop.........opened a flickr account will upload them later on.
changed the music too........... felt like a complete change.......... put in
i m bored............... poised for action.......... here i go again..............
nope will not continue this sob fest.............. see u sometime later.
goodbye
finally cleared my phone of all the pictures and downloaded them on the laptop.........opened a flickr account will upload them later on.
changed the music too........... felt like a complete change.......... put in
- boyzone- words
- chalte chalte- kishore kumar(kk)
- chookar mere man ko- kk
- counting crows- big yellow cab
- counting crows-mr.jones
- daniel beddingfield- gotta get thru this
- darius-rushes
- dido- white flag
- ik ladki bheegi- kk
- i'm with u - avril lavigne
- musafir hooon-kk
- my sacrifice-
- i m like a bird- nelly furtado
- raatkali-kk
- roop tera-kk
- that 70's show title song
- here i am- bryan adams
- teri deewani- kailash kher
- all that she wants-ace of base
- where is the love- BEP
- light my fire-doors
i m bored............... poised for action.......... here i go again..............
nope will not continue this sob fest.............. see u sometime later.
goodbye
transitions
a transition period for me.
i dunno what will happen and that requires immense patience.
i m waiting for a final conclusion.
while doing that i was listening to michael buble
-everything
-home
-mrs.jones
-save the last dance for me
norah jones
-sunrise
-come away with me
|
|
|
the whole album
counting crows- big yellow cab
daniel beding field- gonna get thru this
kishore kumar
bryan adams
why am i boring u with these inane details bcoz prolly u get bored by everything else also and i didnt want to go too long without writing and well i have nothing to write about.
in a metaphysical limbo..................... cant do anything becoz i dont know where i'll be in a week from now. very difficult being cheerfull at a time like this. more like being on death row.
but atleast then i'd know if nothing else i'll die.
conversely if nothing else i'll continue living now.............. hmm........ not living existing till i find a purpose then i'll thrive.
i joked today............... i have all the tools and the advice to tackle life. it only has to start. i ve done the jumping................ ive done my part and am approaching it. does it catch me or will it let me crash and burn???
well well i did need to write after all........ confused, yet know exactly what i want, aimless yet can see my goal clearly.... ambivalent ...... thats what my life is now ambivalent......... wishy washy.........neither here nor there...........squiggly............crossroads with billions of crisscrossing paths.
if this is what builds character................... i'd like to be character-less thank u very much!
will it be too dramatic to shout out "why god why??" or maybe even a "hello! god remember me??"
transitions.......... transitionary phase........ movement........... well i m motion sick!
over and out!
i dunno what will happen and that requires immense patience.
i m waiting for a final conclusion.
while doing that i was listening to michael buble
-everything
-home
-mrs.jones
-save the last dance for me
norah jones
-sunrise
-come away with me
|
|
|
the whole album
counting crows- big yellow cab
daniel beding field- gonna get thru this
kishore kumar
bryan adams
why am i boring u with these inane details bcoz prolly u get bored by everything else also and i didnt want to go too long without writing and well i have nothing to write about.
in a metaphysical limbo..................... cant do anything becoz i dont know where i'll be in a week from now. very difficult being cheerfull at a time like this. more like being on death row.
but atleast then i'd know if nothing else i'll die.
conversely if nothing else i'll continue living now.............. hmm........ not living existing till i find a purpose then i'll thrive.
i joked today............... i have all the tools and the advice to tackle life. it only has to start. i ve done the jumping................ ive done my part and am approaching it. does it catch me or will it let me crash and burn???
well well i did need to write after all........ confused, yet know exactly what i want, aimless yet can see my goal clearly.... ambivalent ...... thats what my life is now ambivalent......... wishy washy.........neither here nor there...........squiggly............crossroads with billions of crisscrossing paths.
if this is what builds character................... i'd like to be character-less thank u very much!
will it be too dramatic to shout out "why god why??" or maybe even a "hello! god remember me??"
transitions.......... transitionary phase........ movement........... well i m motion sick!
over and out!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
crazy things parents do.
ever reached ure exam centre and seen parents all around u better versed with your syllabi than ureself?
ever come out of one only to be thoroughly "interrogated" by some parent u dont even know just coz their kid hasnt come out yet and they want to "predict" how his/her exam would have gone.
well been giving alot of exams this past week and seriously if you leave the nervousness of giving the exam ureself aside its a pretty interesting atmosphere to absorb. so this is what my ma and i do, chills me out and gives me a few laughs(and pointers) before an exam, we watch everyone around us.
i've seen everything from teenagers hanging out with their friends and catching on the lates gossip without caring less about the exam or its prep, to hyper active kids rattling off god knows what not trivia and getting proud smiles from their parents.
one girl was very well dressed looked ready to hand over her pencil box and partayy! with eye liner, lipstick , open hair , trendy clothes the works . she was standing with her parents. well her father was one of those over ambitious for my children types and kept "refreshing" her math formulas and GK trivia and generally giving her pointers on everything. i was overhearing rather enviously wondering how come my daddy doesnt ever teach me how to solve questions of boats moving upstream and downstream.(i sure could use all the help i get) so i turned to ma to give her one of my looks and she sniggered. so i asked why..... and then i noticed the poor girls expression, she couldnt care less and her fathers repeated "refreshing" was making her terribly nervous.she kept fidgeting and hinting that she really should go nearer to the gate, and so they did father daughter all. ;-)
the other category is the outstation parents with their children. the fathers speaking rather hollering into their cellphones poised near their mouths rapidly moving to and fro from their mouth and ear."hum dilli main hain baad me phone karenge" well that and various variations of it in different accents. with very festive ringtones on full blasts.
the children with their parents standing right in front of the gate usually doing some last minute revision from a thick book with their mums looking on dotingly. as soon as someone resembling a guard would come near the gate thinking they were going to be opened the kids would dive towards their parents feet for a final blessing and many times it would be just the guard getting his 15 minutes of fame, brandishing his stick in a crisp uniform donning sunglasses (it is the scorching summer u know) showing off, that he controls the entry to our future. due the many bogus calls, it would be around the 8th or 10th time that he would really open the gates. well resulting in those lucky ones in getting blessed 8 times before an exam. no wonder they are so thing( great ab work out) and feeling very confident coz unke pas ma ka ashirvaad hai.
and then they are people like me, who were erstwhile nervous wrecks before exams but now due to extensive counselling dont even get the good nervousness that is normal before an exam and usually is standing at the centre looking and everyone else, living in my own universe where everyone else sucks and i m the queen of the world.
well whether all the looking and getting secondhand pointers really helped me or not i dont know, the results are yet to come out but i do feel confident and feel ive done well. but whether or not im thru i thank god i dont have parents who block other kids ways preventing them from entering the exam hall coz they want to make sure their kid gets in alright creating a mighty ruckus, or one of those who stand holding the railings of the gates as if they were in prison and undergo the vilest pain when their ward gives and exam, or one of those who tutors me and will ask me to immediately vomit out all my answers to estimate how i;ve done.
thank god ive got normal parents who well the maximum they do if there in town is to drop me off at my centre, kiss me luck on my forehead and meet me back in the car after the exam and ask whether i m hungry.
my dad though has a tendency to get a little crazy so he no longer comes, my mom has a principle each one taking responsibility of their own life so no major interferences atleast never during the exam time, i want to score i will study and well it is my exam and she can do nothing really about it.
but i guess each person has their own idiosyncrasies, i refuse to enter without my goodluck kiss and even though i may not lunge for my mums feet i do keep bending my forehead for a kiss, very embarassing but i works wonders. so as a chronicler of life i am completely biased and snooty but hey i am sure one look at me and u'll never guess!
love
anon
ever come out of one only to be thoroughly "interrogated" by some parent u dont even know just coz their kid hasnt come out yet and they want to "predict" how his/her exam would have gone.
well been giving alot of exams this past week and seriously if you leave the nervousness of giving the exam ureself aside its a pretty interesting atmosphere to absorb. so this is what my ma and i do, chills me out and gives me a few laughs(and pointers) before an exam, we watch everyone around us.
i've seen everything from teenagers hanging out with their friends and catching on the lates gossip without caring less about the exam or its prep, to hyper active kids rattling off god knows what not trivia and getting proud smiles from their parents.
one girl was very well dressed looked ready to hand over her pencil box and partayy! with eye liner, lipstick , open hair , trendy clothes the works . she was standing with her parents. well her father was one of those over ambitious for my children types and kept "refreshing" her math formulas and GK trivia and generally giving her pointers on everything. i was overhearing rather enviously wondering how come my daddy doesnt ever teach me how to solve questions of boats moving upstream and downstream.(i sure could use all the help i get) so i turned to ma to give her one of my looks and she sniggered. so i asked why..... and then i noticed the poor girls expression, she couldnt care less and her fathers repeated "refreshing" was making her terribly nervous.she kept fidgeting and hinting that she really should go nearer to the gate, and so they did father daughter all. ;-)
the other category is the outstation parents with their children. the fathers speaking rather hollering into their cellphones poised near their mouths rapidly moving to and fro from their mouth and ear."hum dilli main hain baad me phone karenge" well that and various variations of it in different accents. with very festive ringtones on full blasts.
the children with their parents standing right in front of the gate usually doing some last minute revision from a thick book with their mums looking on dotingly. as soon as someone resembling a guard would come near the gate thinking they were going to be opened the kids would dive towards their parents feet for a final blessing and many times it would be just the guard getting his 15 minutes of fame, brandishing his stick in a crisp uniform donning sunglasses (it is the scorching summer u know) showing off, that he controls the entry to our future. due the many bogus calls, it would be around the 8th or 10th time that he would really open the gates. well resulting in those lucky ones in getting blessed 8 times before an exam. no wonder they are so thing( great ab work out) and feeling very confident coz unke pas ma ka ashirvaad hai.
and then they are people like me, who were erstwhile nervous wrecks before exams but now due to extensive counselling dont even get the good nervousness that is normal before an exam and usually is standing at the centre looking and everyone else, living in my own universe where everyone else sucks and i m the queen of the world.
well whether all the looking and getting secondhand pointers really helped me or not i dont know, the results are yet to come out but i do feel confident and feel ive done well. but whether or not im thru i thank god i dont have parents who block other kids ways preventing them from entering the exam hall coz they want to make sure their kid gets in alright creating a mighty ruckus, or one of those who stand holding the railings of the gates as if they were in prison and undergo the vilest pain when their ward gives and exam, or one of those who tutors me and will ask me to immediately vomit out all my answers to estimate how i;ve done.
thank god ive got normal parents who well the maximum they do if there in town is to drop me off at my centre, kiss me luck on my forehead and meet me back in the car after the exam and ask whether i m hungry.
my dad though has a tendency to get a little crazy so he no longer comes, my mom has a principle each one taking responsibility of their own life so no major interferences atleast never during the exam time, i want to score i will study and well it is my exam and she can do nothing really about it.
but i guess each person has their own idiosyncrasies, i refuse to enter without my goodluck kiss and even though i may not lunge for my mums feet i do keep bending my forehead for a kiss, very embarassing but i works wonders. so as a chronicler of life i am completely biased and snooty but hey i am sure one look at me and u'll never guess!
love
anon
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